WHY CONFIDENCE IS OVER-RATED

“Drama holds his interest for a day. Poise keeps his interest for a lifetime.” — Robyn 

Have you ever wondered why some people hold our attention in an almost hypnotic way, even if they don’t fit conventional definitions of beauty? A man can become mesmerized by a woman who displays that special something he can’t quite name. It doesn’t matter what she weighs or how old she is or what color her hair is—she has It.

Confidence is over-rated

 

In my grandmother’s day, that special quality was called “poise” and everyone worked to develop it. Poise was considered such an important part of adulthood—separating the girls from the women—that some of us were actually sent to places called Charm School to learn how to achieve it. A related idea is that of “presence”—when someone so fully inhabits the present moment that they radiate a powerful, concentrated energy. At a party, our eyes might skip past a woman giggling and gesturing wildly to her friends, and instead focus on someone sitting quietly in a corner. A calm, centered mind is the foundation of magnetic presence.

“Developing poise doesn’t just make you appear composed and dignified. Over time it will help you reach a state of true inner calm and contentment.” —Robyn Wahlgast
IGXO Cosmetics

Sadly, over time, the idea of developing poise became associated with out-dated female role models, like beauty pageant winners. Dating and relationship guides began to substitute the word “confidence” for poise, to appeal to educated, professional women. But don’t be fooled. Confidence and poise are absolutely NOT interchangeable. When a 4-year-old marches up to you and insists that today will be Opposite Day, or that from now on you MUST address her as Princess Starshine, she is displaying a boatload of confidence—but very little poise.

A client recently asked me to create a modern “charm school” lesson plan for her. She is a single mom who is actively dating. While she is confident in her career and in her parenting, she struggles to know how to attract men to her in social settings. Here are some tips I shared with her, to help her unlock an authentic, grown-up presence—the essence of Beauty Queen composure.

6 Signs Of A Poised Woman

  1. She doesn’t look around the room, smiling or trying to make eye contact or wondering what others think of her. She is fully absorbed in whatever she is doing at this moment. Men will notice you more and watch you intently when you are self-contained and focused on the task at hand. This creates tension—and it can feel vulnerable or uncomfortable at first, if you’re not used to being noticed this way by men. If you look around, smile, or wave, you are breaking concentration and diluting the energy that fuels attraction, so train yourself to maintain composure and stay absorbed in what you’re doing. Let the tension build.
  2. There is a meditative quality to her conversation. She never “tells all” in an interview, offers unsolicited advice, or goes on and on in a boring way about her personal opinions. (Perhaps this is why everyone is eager to hear what she thinks.)
  3. Her feelings and thoughts are informed and considered. She doesn’t share her beliefs with just anyone. Her inner life is like a precious gift, given to those who earn her respect and trust.
  4. Her manner is warm and welcoming, not cool and self-conscious.
  5. Women have a gift for bringing others together and building community. Whether at the center of her family, the center of a professional network, or in service to an important mission, her power lies in uniting people—never dividing them with gossip or jealousy.
  6. Life is what it is. Sometimes we are rushed, pressured, and filled with stress. We can all work to carry our burdens as lightly as possible. She remembers to assume good intentions and act with kindness at all times.

When you know that you are enough just as you are, we can say you are confident. But when you come from a place that is so composed and centered that even your smallest gesture has importance—that is poise.

ROBYN ORIGINALLY CREATED THIS ARTICLE, WITH LOVE, FOR THE WELLNESS UNIVERSE

Robyn Wahlgast is a Rules Certified Dating and Relationship Coach for Women, and a happily married mother of three. Need advice about your own relationship? Consider booking a private consultation with Robyn. Never miss a new blog post: subscribe to our FREE newsletter

HOW TO BE ENCHANTING ("SHE'S STRANGE")

The power is already inside you.

Today we're going #wayback to 1984. To the song She's Strange by Cameo:

She's strange, and I like it
She's strange, just the way she is
Strange, walking down the avenue
She's strange, always doing something new . . .

And I like it

When it comes to attracting men, most women worry about the wrong things. We focus on fixing "flaws" that men either don't notice or don't care aboutusually related to physical appearance. We do that because at our core we aren't really trying to attract men, we're locked in a pattern of trying to appease other women. 

When you were a kid, did other girls make you feel strange?

there is no magic in simply fitting in

Women grow up policing each other, and some go to great lengths to make sure other girls don't step too far out of line (meaning: don't outshine your friends). Back in my day, if a girl was too fashionably dressed, there would be a swift "who does she think she is" reaction, usually coupled with a "she thinks she's cute." Of course that censure applied to thoughts and opinions as well; any girl who dared to think for herself risked becoming an outcast.

FROM ASTRID & MIYU

Are you blocking others from connecting with you?

Even today, I have clients who heard similar messages growing up, and have carried that impulse to conform into adulthood. They are afraid to stand out by being too attractive, or to express opinions that are not "nice" or popular. Their nails are done to perfection (a detail appreciated only by other women), but the constant self-monitoring has erased their feminine charm and allure (qualities real men do appreciate and respond to). The strategies that worked so well to appease other girls on the playground, may actually be blocking them from connecting with men today.

TIP: Make sure playground rules haven't followed you into adulthood. If you still think "fitting in" is important, you may be turning off the quality men you wish to attract. 

FROM BEAUTY BRANDS

When you were a kid, did other girls ever make you feel like you were strange? In a woman's world, it is very hurtful to be labeled different or odd. By contrast, what does a man say, when a woman strikes him as "strange"? He says she is:

  • Magnetic
  • Bewitching
  • Enchanting
  • Captivating
  • Charming
  • Addicting

He is curious about you. This is attraction, for a guy. 

At first, you were just a blur of movement in the crowd, but now that he has really noticed you he sees that you are strange. He is curious about you. This is attraction, for a guy. The woman who is different from all the others (in his view) and different from himself is like an Enchantress. He feels helpless, unable to resist her spell. No man says, "I'm obsessed with hershe is so generic." Or: "I must have hershe is virtually interchangeable with all of her friends." There is no magic in simply fitting in. 

IGXO Cosmetics

No man says, “I'm obsessed with her — she is so generic.”

When it comes to accepting difference, men are typically more evolved than women. They are highly tolerant of their friends' quirks and oddities, and are more likely to notice a breech in loyalty or respect than behavior that is simply "weird." They barely notice if another guy adheres to out-there religious or political beliefs or is otherwise unconventional, as long as he upholds a basic code of decency and friendship. "He's coolhe parties" is about as much commentary as you may get from college-aged ”men, regarding a new roommate. Women could learn a lot from the peaceful tolerance that exists in the man-cave. 

TIP: Most men easily accept others' quirks and oddities. Women could learn a lot from the peaceful tolerance that exists in the man-cave. 

Is being smart and confident a turnoff?

Women ask me all the time about confidence. They know that it is supposedly an attractive quality, but are dismayed when they actually drive men away with (what they think is) a display of inner strength. The key is that when a woman attempts to convey confidence in a traditionally masculine way, she usually appears insecure instead. This is why so many Alpha Women mistakenly think men are scared off by their "confidence" when nothing could be further from the truth. Men read those signals differently from you.   

FROM BCBG

This is a safe space. That crowd from high school has no power over you here.

Instead, I invite you to think of "strange" as your path to true confidence. It's a safe place where that judgmental crowd from high school has no power over you. You are free to express your most serene, feminine, and vulnerable self. 

TIP: "Strange" is your path to confidence. It's a safe place where you are free to express your most serene, feminine, and vulnerable self.

Men appreciate the unique, but I'm not suggesting that you should scare away your dates by dressing like a goth ghoul or revealing every little quirk and tattoo. That attention-seeking behavior is not different or special, it's the lowest form of Walmart-normal. The woman who is strange by today's standards is:

  • MysteriousShe doesn't over-share personal details about herself or others. 
  • UnpredictableShe thinks for herself and does not follow the crowd or look to her friends for validation.
  • PoisedShe is slow to take offense and assumes good intentions. She doesn't rely on drama to hold a man's interest.
  • ModestShe is quietly confident and doesn't need to boast or name-drop or sell herself. Genuine humility is such a prized quality among men that it deserves its own post. Guys have a HIGH radar for boastfulness in any form, and even a hint of it sets off alarm bells in a man's mind. 
  • RespectfulShe graciously accepts that others may not agree with her views, and rises above the need to "win" or debate others.
  • OpenShe is curious about other people and accepts their differences; this is part of what makes the world beautiful to her. 
  • VulnerableShe doesn't need to bluff or fake her way through a conversation; if she doesn't know something, she admits it. 

These are characteristics of a truly confident person and none require you to have every aspect of your life in order or to strive for an unobtainable, perfect image. When you've mastered a truly feminine expression of confidence, you can be you and attract a man who appreciates what you have to offer. Focus on distinguishing yourself in every way possible. Give yourself permission to be outstanding.

Robyn Wahlgast is a Rules Certified Dating and Relationship Coach for Women, and a happily married mother of three. Need advice about your own relationship? Consider booking a private consultation with Robyn. Never miss a new blog post: subscribe to our FREE newsletter.

EVERY INCH OF YOU IS PERFECT #TRUTH

Every inch of you is perfect from the bottom to the top.

Many women feel that they have to "do something" to be deserving of romantic love. We focus on our appearance and work hard to present ourselves in a way that is as perfect and polished as possible. We may learn how to bake complicated desserts, offer to pay "our share" on dates, or travel hours to meet long-distance matches—all in the hope of earning a long-term mate.

Unfortunately, that work often has an unintended result. We become stressed out, worry more about measuring up against unreasonable standards, and neglect other parts of our lives, such as friends, family, spiritual development, and physical and mental wellness. Worse, we may actually lose touch with our femininity in the process, taking on a masculine spirit just to be able to achieve it all.

Starting today, let's choose to follow a different path. Relax. Assume that you are deserving of love, exactly as you are right now. Reconnect with long-lost friends. Adopt a pet. Soak up unconditional love wherever you find it. When you meet new men you'll bring with you an internal reservoir of healthy love. There may still be parts of you that feel broken, wrong, or just "not perfect." Simply breath into the pain and let go. Do less. Receive more.

Love,
Robyn

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