THE EASY FIX THAT INSTANTLY TURNS YOU INTO A KNOCKOUT

Walk Like An Angel

Each year, hundreds of women send me pictures of their favorite date outfits and their online dating profiles, so that I can help them present themselves in the most attractive way possible. While your hairstyle and clothing definitely deserve a thorough assessment, don't overlook another important X factor — key to your entire presentation of yourself — that doesn't always show up in a photo: your posture.

Don't overlook an important X factor, key to your entire presentation of yourself: your posture.

Don't overlook an important X factor, key to your entire presentation of yourself: your posture.

WHAT MEN THINK

How you stand and carry yourself is a critical part of your overall appeal. While most men won't consciously evaluate your posture — it's not a detail they're going to comment on or discuss — it absolutely colors how they (and others) perceive you. Are you a potential girlfriend or a "buddy"? Your posture — along with how you dress and take care of yourself — signals how you expect others to treat you, and has an impact on your workplace relationships, family relationships, and romance.

Here's an excerpt from the Rules Revisited blog that illustrates the male perspective. It's worth reading the entire post but in this passage, Andrew describes how a female friend (one he typically rates “between a 7 and a 10") transforms their power dynamic simply by standing up straight. Now that she exhibits Beauty Queen poise, she seems out of his league, and he can't take her interest in him for granted:

“But here is perhaps the most interesting and telling part: when this girl corrected her posture, I felt a distinct pang of intimidation. It surprised and dismayed me, because I was sure until that moment that I had this girl wrapped around my finger. Suddenly the roles were decidedly reversed.... What if she had appeared that way when I first met her? And if she had maintained it, would I have ever been able to gain the upper hand? This is the power of posture.”

If you're willing to invest time, effort, and money in your clothing, hair, and makeup, wouldn't it be smart to make sure you rock those outfits at full potential? 

"It's time to put away your phone and engage that core!"

"It's time to put away your phone and engage that core!"

YOUR PHONE IS NOT YOUR FRIEND WHEN IT COMES TO MAINTAINING GOOD POSTURE

  • Shoulders that slump forward
  • A head that bows down
  • A tummy that pooches out
  • Pain in the lower back and neck; headaches
  • Low-energy feeling, even after 8 hours of sleep

These are all signs that it's time to take a break from texting and put away your phone or whatever kind of screen you're using.    

Notice that in this before/after photo, the corrected posture shows a healthy curve in the lower back (c-curve), shoulder blades that are "activated" toward the center of the back, and an engaged core (the abdominal area). 

QUICK TIP FOR SLUMPED SHOULDERS

If your shoulders are a problem area, you've probably been told to "relax" them down and back. The result is not usually long-lasting because that cue doesn't teach you how to engage the right muscles. For the moment, forget about your shoulders. Instead, try to "activate" the center of your back — the part in between your shoulder blades (Lower Trapezius muscles, in case you want to research this a bit further). Visualize those back muscles pulling your shoulder blades down and together, as if they could touch at the spine. If you can practice this sensation throughout the day, you will begin to "warm up" an area of the back that often becomes frozen during screen-time, driving, and office work. Direct massage, chest-opening yoga postures like upward dog, and training with hand-held weights are all good ways to target that middle back area. 

Another prop you might try is a soft fabric posture corrector. There are many different brands available — comb through the reviews on Amazon — ranging from around $15 to $75. I road-tested the EquiFit "Shoulders Back" Lite for one of my daughters. (I wanted to make sure it was comfortable enough to wear at least an hour a day before I recommended it to her.) I liked the Shoulders Back so much that I ended up ordering a second one for myself, just to wear during computer time. If you try out one of these braces, please make sure you wear it over a T-shirt; no corrector is comfortable enough to wear over bare skin. Bonus: You can even wear one under a sweater or jacket, while you run errands! Wearing it several hours at a time can help you feel and activate that key middle back area. Hint: These braces do not cover your breasts, so bra cup size is not an issue; an EquiFit Medium will fit a woman wearing a 34-38 bra. 

Watching This Victoria's Secret Runway Video Could Save You $2,100 In Bodywork

HOW TO ENGAGE YOUR CORE 

After the birth of my first child, I could tell that my spine was out of whack. Even though my weight was back to normal I just didn't look right in my work clothes — everything hung differently. A friend who worked for Vogue suggested that I visit a massage therapist named Mike Bulger who practiced something called structural integration; the magazine had just featured him in their health section and apparently Oprah was one of his happy clients. I agreed to try 10 sessions. Two months later — at at a cost of roughly $2,100 — I was realigned and pain-free. Yes, the structural manipulation had been very beneficial, and I am eternally grateful to Mike. But, also, a tip that Mike shared with me somewhere in our first session was the breakthrough concept that I had needed to incorporate into my day-to-day life

Mike told me that during all activities — whether sitting, standing, or walking — you should lead with your pelvis. (He truly meant "lead with your core" — which includes the abdominal region as well — but for beginners the pelvic area is easier to identify.) That's it: lead with your core.

And if you watch these Victoria's Secret models strut down the runway, you will see this principle in action. Leading with the pelvis does cause your chest to pop out a little (because of that lovely c-curve in your spine) but it's very different from consciously trying to thrust your breasts forward in a forced way, or yanking your shoulders down and back, which can be painful and difficult to maintain.   

Of course, models walking a runway are amplifying and exaggerating each movement for effect; it's theater. That's not exactly how you're going to parade around the office. But if you've been having trouble maintaining "straight" posture while you walk, move, and do everyday activities, then shifting your focus southward may help.

CHANGE YOUR POSTURE, CHANGE YOUR LIFE

Did you know that consciously addressing your posture can have a deep impact on every area of your life? If you are feeling stuck in your career, your relationships, or with your family, I encourage you to watch this 20-minute TED talk from social psychologist Amy Cuddy. She talks about how “power posing” can affect how your brain functions and, ultimately, your chances for satisfying employment, interpersonal relationships, and success in general. Her research on body language reveals that we can change other people’s perceptions—and even our own body chemistry—simply by changing body positions. 

NO PRETZEL POSES, PLEASE

Finally, if you're looking for a fun and pleasurable way to improve your posture, yoga is both inexpensive and effective. Foundation postures like cobra and the sun salutation flow are a wonderful way to wring out the tension and help build up that sexy core. Don't worry about doing them perfectly. These flows are about lengthening and strengthening your muscles, and should feel good. And if your body becomes more toned and graceful as a result, what's not to like? 

Robyn Wahlgast is a Rules Certified Dating and Relationship Coach for Women, and a happily married mother of three. Need advice about your own relationship? Consider booking a private consultation with Robyn. Never miss a new blog post: subscribe to our FREE newsletter.

DATING TIPS FOR ALPHA WOMEN

WHAT MEN REALLY THINK ABOUT SMART, SUCCESSFUL WOMEN

Many women have told me that they believe their relationships fizzle out—or that they aren’t attractive to men in the first place—because they are “too Alpha.” The thinking is that a man prefers to feel superior to his potential mate, so if you project success and intellectual ability, you will scare away eligible bachelors. (And be careful about seeming too independent or competent, some say.)

Yet, we see time and again that exceptionally smart, successful women do captivate quality men. Celebrities like Beyoncé, Katy Perry, Angelina Jolie, and Amal (Alamuddin) Clooney are popular examples of Alpha Female magnetism. I bet you can think of a few strong, capable women in your own life who have managed to attract lasting love.

Have you ever worried that you are "too alpha" to attract quality men—too independent, successful, career-oriented, or smart? Relax. The truth may be quite the opposite.

Have you ever worried that you are "too alpha" to attract quality men—too independent, successful, career-oriented, or smart? Relax. The truth may be quite the opposite.

So what’s the truth? Do successful men really not want strong, independent mates—leaders, in other words—or is something else going on?

After years of working in the corporate world, I have come to this realization: that men and women have different ideas of what alpha looks and acts like. In other words, the very women who believe they are “too alpha” may not be perceived as strong and confident enough by the men they seek to attract. (And though it's not within my scope to discuss it here, learning to signal alpha to both men and women at work will ensure that you never get passed by for a promotion.) 

Tip: The very women who believe they are “too alpha” may actually come across as not alpha enough to the men they hope to attract.

Over the holidays I had the pleasure of attending a gathering of young professionals, mostly under the age of 40. I brought along a simple set of photographs to explore my theory that men and women read leadership cues differently. As a warm-up, I asked 11 men and 9 women to discuss the attributes they would look for in a life partner.

Tommy Hilfiger

As a group, we agreed that confidence is one of the most important qualities that both men and women look for in a potential mate. Confidence signals that a person is emotionally healthy and at peace with who they are. In fact, the men said that possessing confidence is so critical to a woman’s appeal that it directly influences a man’s perception of her physical beauty and intelligence (attributes that they would also look for in a potential long-term partner.)

Tip: Confidence is the determining factor in a woman’s appeal, influencing a man’s perception of her physical beauty and intelligence. A woman who seems confident is more desirable to men as a long-term mate. The catch is that men and women look for different cues to signal confidence.

I asked both men and women women to look at photos A and B (below) and tell me which of the two models projected strength and confidence. I also asked them to come up with some adjectives to describe each woman. 

Which one is the Alpha Female?

THE WOMEN VOTE FOR "A"
8 of 9 women said that the model in Photo A projects more alpha. 1 of 9 said that the model in Photo B appears more confident.

THE MEN VOTE FOR "B"
8 of 11 men said that the model in Photo B is the Alpha Woman. 3 men said either A or B could be perceived as strong and confident. 

Note that all 11 men saw the woman in Photo B as projecting alpha while only one of the women picked her. The more interesting information, though, is in the adjectives that the men and women used to describe the photos (below).

PHOTO A (POINTING)
Women:

  • "Smiling"
  • "Active"
  • "Direct communicator"
  • "Confident" 

Men:

  • "Smiling"
  • "Trying too hard to make the sale"
  • "She's clearly not the boss"
  • "Cute"

PHOTO B (READING)
Women:

  • "Passive"
  • "Shy"
  • "Content"
  • "Self absorbed"

Men:

  • "Smart"
  • "She knows something"
  • "Self contained"
  • "Mysterious"
  • "Poised"
  • "Confident"
  • "Beautiful"

Now I realize this is hardly a scientific study. My goal is just to start a conversation about the differences in how men and women interpret social signals. How important is it that the woman in Photo B is withholding eye contact?isn't that often associated with people in power? The women in our group did not consider that aspect of model B's pose, but perhaps the men did, at least subconsciously. Did the women prefer model A because she embodies qualities we might seek in an Alpha Male?

You can see how our biases make it easy to miscommunicate, simply through body language and expression. This is why tips on flirting are so often misguided. Making eye contact with a cute guy seems so subtle to womenlike being passive and doing nothing at allwhile a man will say "Oh, she practically threw herself at me" because he perceives her gaze to be a direct invitation.   

e.l.f. cosmetics

What's the conclusion for strong, independent women? I believe it's this: You don't need to pretend to be less than who you are to attract a strong, capable man. 

But you should consider whether you are actually projecting inner confidence, or inadvertently appearing insecure to your dates. Do you tend to feel that you need to "do something" to call attention to yourself or show that you are in charge? (i.e., Acting out behavior that you would find attractive in your guy.) To men, it may appear that you are trying too harda sure sign that you don't value yourself highly enough. Next time, scale back on the effort. Practice sitting calmly, and let others approach you if they wish. Look your best, but don't feel you have to provide witty conversation or sultry glances. At its core, serenity is strength. Each day, bring a little peace into your life, and you may be pleasantly surprised to find that you attract both love and respect in the process.

Robyn Wahlgast is a Rules Certified Dating and Relationship Coach for Women, and a happily married mother of three. For more tips on signaling confidence, learn how posture affects others' perception of your power and attractiveness. And if you're looking for ways to project more feminine energy on dates, try this article on Love Energy. For more on masculine-feminine dynamics in dating, read this article on using The Rules to date with healthy boundaries. Never miss a new blog post: subscribe to our FREE newsletter

HOW TO STAY LIGHT AND BREEZY IN ANY SEASON

How A 1972 Hit Song Can Help You Keep Harmony With Your Man

Even as autumn chills the air, and you begin to search for that second glove…or those perfect boots…you can still hang onto a little bit of summer. And, in all honesty, we should try to practice that summery, sunny mindset all year, in all of our relationships.

What do I mean?

If you want to know what a man’s fantasy of commitment and marriage feels like, just listen to the song "Summer Breeze" by Seals and Crofts. (I've linked to the sexiest cover version ever by The Isley Brothers.) 

Sweet days of summer, the jasmine's in bloom
July is dressed up and playing her tune
And I come home from a hard day's work
And you're waiting there, not a care in the world...

A sunny attitude doesn't always happen for us naturally. It may take some practice and mindfulness. Take baby steps toward the sunshine!

A sunny attitude doesn't always happen for us naturally. It may take some practice and mindfulness. Take baby steps toward the sunshine!

Now, of course you—the “you” that is the woman in the song—aren't lounging around without a care in the world. That’s pretty much the opposite of your experience right now at work or in your home life. But that simplified version of domestic life, and breezy, carefree imagery is an ideal any of us could crave, especially when life is so complicated, and continually throwing curve-balls. That vision is especially powerful because such a “lite” mindset can be used to positively affect your actions and interactions with your partner. After all, cultivating peace and rapport in your relationships is a day by day commitment. At any moment, one can feel like sinking from the pressures and expectations that exist in any long-term situation. Creating an aura of ease and lightness can seem completely out of reach.

As with vocal harmony, choosing to spread sunshine is a skill you can practice and get better at over time. When you’re practically crackling with stress, you may think it’s your man’s job to somehow take away the pain. Maybe it’s your secret desire that he can read your mind (nope), relieve you of your burden (only you can do that, doll), and give you a hug (yes, that’s reasonable). If your guy appears to be upbeat or oblivious to your mood, it can be infuriating. “If he really loved me,” you think, “he’d pick up on my mood and fix this.” Your instinct may even be to pull him down down down into the Wicked Witch’s vortex of doom, with you. You know it’s childish and selfish, but still you have this impulse. The next thing you know, you’ve picked a fight or dumped your issues and complaints onto a somewhat innocent bystander. Now his mood is soured and the negative chain reaction continues. And if you have kids, their little antennae are likely to transmit and amplify the distress signals.     

So pause and remember summer breeze….  That’s what he hoped he was getting when he fell in love with you. That’s the you of your early dates. And, truth be told, that’s the you that you like best. Like a child on a swing, soaring up toward the sky. She’s still in there, and she’s maybe a truer reflection of your self than the stressed-out version. So what can you do to keep the peace, both within your head and in your home?

1. Refrain from “sharing” all the bad things that happened today. (If you’re already unloading, it’s o.k. to stop mid-sentence. Really, he won’t mind.) Sometimes these types of conversations are best left to your friends or other family members—if, after sleeping on it, you still feel like venting.

2. Refresh and reset. Can you try to muster up one good thing that happened during your day? Or something you’re looking forward to in the near future? When all else fails, spend 7 minutes on YouTube watching silly cat videos or that #TBT Sister Sledge video, or anything inspirational to you. When the screen freezes, mentally high-five the millions of other stressed souls who’ve chosen this in lieu of picking a fight with their honey.

3. Make a quick plan to deal with your #1 issue. Tonight is not the time to tackle all 99 of your problems, but you can make a baby step in the right direction. After all, being breezy doesn’t mean being irresponsible. Identify your most pressing issue and come up with one next step that you can take to make things better for yourself. Write it down and place it in a keepsake box or a jar. Close the container and set it aside with intention. You will reopen it in the morning, after a good night's rest.

4. Appreciate him as he is. It sounds so simple, but when you learn to stop "grading" your partner, you will relax and connect with him more completely. Comparing him to other, more perfect specimens of manhood may artificially motivate him at first (when the competitive instinct kicks in), but over time he will simply tune you out. Making comparisons is not an effective means for motivating anyone over the long term, and the habit may drive a wedge between you. Instead, think about one of his recent successes—something you know he values and is proud of—and mention it. 

5. O.k., about that hug. Just ask him for one! You don’t need to overwhelm him with lengthy explanations and details—your snuggle will be that much sweeter as a result.

When I was younger, the wifey, domestic tranquility portrayed in this song seemed to me embarrassingly retro and sexist; I cringed every time it came on the radio. But now that I’m married, I get it. Because in the grown-up world, summer breeze is mostly a dream anyway. It’s a serene state of mind we all long for. So, go on—let him have his fantasy. Try to share a little bit of summer with those you love—including yourself—all year long. 

Robyn Wahlgast is a Certified Dating and Relationship Coach for Women. Book a private consultation or subscribe to her FREE dating and relationship newsletter and get priority access to all new content. 

2 SIMPLE STEPS TO YOUR BEST ONLINE DATING PROFILE

sexy committed couple

Don’t let background noise distract him from a good thing You!

It is common for women to feel frustrated and disappointed with the quality of replies they get on online dating sites. Either they aren’t receiving many responses at all, or the ones they do receive are along the lines of “hey there” without any thought or effort—the dating equivalent of spam. Even worse, you can start to feel that you are attracting only the toads lurking around the edges, while the cute, normal guys seem to pass right by.

So what can a single girl do? Isn’t online dating like a random carnival game? —if Lady Luck isn’t on your side, are you destined to play a losing hand?

Not exactly. While it is true that online dating is partly a numbers game, there are many steps you can take to stack the deck in your favor. I just finished my 200th online dating profile makeover and wanted to celebrate by sharing my top profile tips with you—tips that worked for me when I was single, and that work now for my private clients. (Learn how to set up the best possible first date in this article, How To Have An Awesome First Date With An Online Match.)

If you put aside all the personality quizzes, questionnaires, and fancy-sounding algorithms, the successful dating profile delivers on old-fashioned advertising goals— the same goals used to sell everything from shoes to potato chips:

  • Create desire—a need to buy.
  • Create a sense of urgency—the need to buy it now.

Now, let me be clear: we are not talking about a trip to Tiffany at this point. But a man could look at your profile and think "She's sexy" and "I've got to meet her"— that is the desire and need to buy trigger that I’m talking about. As far as the urgency part, it usually follows rather naturally if yours is the look he's after. So the only elements you need to pay close attention to in your profile are your handle (the “name” you’re going by on the dating site) and your photos. That's it. Everything else in your profile is there to support your goals of creating desire and a sense of urgency. Keep your descriptive text brief and action-oriented: things you like to do and places you like to go. 

Default Banner

If anything in your profile could get in the way of your ad objectives, you must eliminate it. This is an ad—not your life story. The sooner you meet in real life, the sooner you will each know if yours is truly a match. No computerized mixologist can guarantee a compatible level of chemistry and attraction, or a shared sense of humor. A heartfelt essay on your hopes, dreams, and aspirations may be worth writing—and preserving in your journal—but it is out of place on a dating site and cannot truly bring him closer to the "real you."

So how will these advertising principles guide your own profile makeover?

1. Create a physically descriptive handle for yourself —one that says “pretty,” is easy to remember, and that matches your personal style and look. Our example will be a woman named Kimberly, 33 years old, with brown hair and dark eyes, who spends weekends playing in a municipal volley ball league.  Possible handles for her could be SportyBrunette_33, PetiteBrunette_1000, VolleyBallGirl_BrownEyes, or DarkNLovely_2014. What Kimberly would not want to do is use a version of her name, which can be too identifying or just awkward; “Kimber4580” is the type of handle that is common when we let a computer call the shots. Pay attention to the trailing number, which is often needed to make your name unique. Never use your birth year, as that can leave you vulnerable to ID theft or fraud. Your handle is not the place to reference your favorite movie, book, or motivational saying; focus on the goals, and you’ll have plenty to talk about when you meet.

ICE.com

A note on eHarmony: I advise clients to create a handle, regardless of the fact that the site encourages the use of real first names. (A middle name or nickname can work well; or just pick a name that begins with the same initial.) Men live in the same world we do, and they truly understand that using a real name on a public dating site is not the smartest move. 

2. Post the best photos of yourself that you possibly can. You will need 2 photographs at minimum—a smiling headshot and a ¾ or full body shot. I probably don’t need to tell you that the profile pic is everything, but sometimes we all need a little push to get to the Absolute Best Photograph Ever, which is what you should aim for. Many women invest in a photo shoot (one where the photographer comes to your home is best, so you will be relaxed and natural), but it is perfectly fine to use casual shots that friends or family have snapped. Make sure you crop out all other people in the photos before you upload them, as well as surroundings that might be too identifying or just odd.

Many women aren’t sure "how sexy" to look in their profile pics. For guidance, just remember the context. Men are viewing your photos on a dating site; they know that you are available, seeking a man, and that ultimately you probably enjoy getting physical with guys (or you wouldn’t be looking for one!). Therefore, to mention sex in your ad, pose in lingerie or skimpy bikinis, or otherwise flaunt an over-the-top sensuality comes across as…well, a little needy and perhaps even desperate. (Instagram "models" have different goals from yours.) Desperation is bait for a certain type of guy, but he’s probably not your idea of a great catch. So do show off your assets, but skip the boudoir shots.

When you work your dating profile like an ad—and don’t expect it to communicate every little nuance of your personality—you are much more likely to enjoy quality results: more real-life dates with men who find you attractive and want to be there with you. Streamline your descriptive text—sticking to career, hobbies, activities, and favorite places—so that nothing gets in the way of your objectives. Your next match will view your profile and think, “I better call her before someone else does.” And then the real fun begins. 

Robyn Wahlgast is a Certified Dating and Relationship Coach for Women. Book a private consultation or subscribe to her FREE dating and relationship newsletter and get priority access to all new content. 

HOW TO HAVE AN AWESOME FIRST DATE WITH AN ONLINE GUY

16 Best Online Dating Rules for Women

Most single women have experienced at least one awful first date. Here’s how to stop the madness—and start looking forward to meeting your next online match.

Most single women have experienced at least one awful first date. Here’s how to stop the madness—and start looking forward to meeting your next online match.

Today I’m going to show you how to set up the best possible Date Zero (DZ), the very first face-to-face date with a man you’ve met online or through a dating app. While you can’t control for chemistry or a soulmate-level connection, there are effective ways to screen out duds, scammers, and guys who just aren't that into you. Once those worries are out of the way, you can actually relax and have fun.

These rules apply to any form of blind date, including those arranged by matchmakers or friends and family. (Read my general online dating tips as well as 2 Simple Steps To Your Best Online Dating Profile for help with creating your profile and getting online.)

Setting yourself up for success is very important. When you have bad DZs, you want to give up on dating entirely; your self-esteem takes a hit and you start to feel that you will never meet the right guy. You may even avoid singles events and other real-life opportunities to meet men because you feel so vulnerable and unsure of yourself. Worse, you may get caught up in a toxic relationship with a man who could have been filtered out from the start. This is the kind of negative spiral my guidelines are designed to protect you against.

FROM E.L.F.

As some of you know, I met my own husband online and have coached many women to the altar through online dating alone. While the starting point for my advice is The Rules book series by Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider, I also layer in my own strategies—the tips I share with private clients and that I followed, personally, to date for marriage. Any single woman can meet great guys online, but you do have to be disciplined, screen carefully, and always choose quality over quantity. You are worth it!

IGXO Cosmetics

Rule 1: Lower your expectations (but not your standards). Even good guys can let their manners slip with women they are socially unconnected to. When your sister-in-law sets you up with her single co-worker, that dude is on notice to treat you like gold; otherwise, word will get out and there will be negative consequences for his poor form. Not so with your online suitor. To him, you are some random dot on the graph of life. He may start out hot and heavy, only to disappear without a trace. So, please lower your expectations for any new guy. Never get overly excited about a date or invest your emotions in a man who hasn’t yet demonstrated, over multiple dates, that he’s in this for the long haul. A man can poof! at any point in the process. Don’t take it personally and do move on.

Rule 2: Never contact men first. Whether you’re on Tinder, Match, or any other app or site, always let men pick you out from the crowd and never contact a suggested match first—not even a simple emoticon. I cover this topic in my online dating tips for women. Although it’s not what the dating sites want you to do, following this rule will spare you the type of date I describe in Rule #14, where the man has mentally checked out before his first beer.

Rule 3: Limit the Date Zero to 1 hour. I call the DZ a “sandwich” date because you will sandwich it in between other activities, such as working out or meeting friends for dinner. This has several benefits, not the least of which is that a man is more likely to ask you out again, for a proper date, if you limit the time spent in this initial meeting. The purpose of this date is simply to see if there is a mutually agreed-upon level of attraction. That’s it. A good venue could be cocktails, coffee, or a juice bar—any public space. Dinner, bowling, movies, hiking, and other time-intensive activities are not DZ venues. Neither is anything overtly sexy or intimate, such as watching videos at his apartment. (Seriously?) Meeting at a strip club is never appropriate, unless you work there and he is picking you up for the date.

Rule 4: Go by a nickname or middle name for the first 3 dates if it makes you feel safer. A man does not need your real, full name until you have gone out several times and you are sure that he is legit. If you’ve been hesitant to get online due to privacy concerns, following this rule will boost your confidence and allow you to engage with men in a more relaxed way—which will make them even more keen for your company. Never use your work phone number, work email, or any other identifying contact information in your online profile. If he presses you for your full name before the third date and you trust him, go ahead and share it. But it is also o.k. to flirt and sweetly answer “Hmm…I’m not sure….” If you have fun with it, he will too.

FROM DR. BRANDT

Rule 5: After he suggests meeting, have him call you to finalize the date details. On the surface, this call is about logistics and avoiding endless texts back and forth, but it is also a safety check. You can tell a lot about someone through a brief conversation—no longer than the few minutes it takes to arrange your meeting place and time. Does he sound overly nervous? Does he sound weird? Always trust your instincts and quickly cancel the date if anything doesn’t seem right. Remember, texting is silent: If a man resists calling you it can be a sign that he has a girlfriend or is possibly even married. Most women are fine with messaging or email contact only, so you may need to say—after he suggests meeting—"Sounds great, could we figure it out on the phone? 000-000-0000." If a man truly wants to meet you (not just window-shopping) he will appreciate being able to plan the where and when in one phone call. If he never calls, you'll know he wasn't really in the running in the first place.

KNOMO LONDON BACKPACKS  #THISISMYOFFICE

KNOMO LONDON BACKPACKS #THISISMYOFFICE

Rule 6: He can’t be certain you’re worth chasing until he meets you in real life. Men don’t fall in love with your accomplishments and favorite movie list—they fall in love with your essence. The way you talk and move and smile are all part of your unique charm and allure, and can’t be captured in a photo. Just as some men post misleading profile pictures—or lack charisma in real life—he is understandably wary that you may not be what you seem. Therefore, while I advise making him work for your attention during actual courtship, don’t be too hard to get before the first date. Once he meets you in real life, the true chase begins.  

FROM ASTRID & MIYU

Rule 7: Forgive his dorky sense of humor. Some men are eager to impress, but not necessarily skilled at putting women at ease. They may think they are flirting with you by teasing and making jokey comments, and offend instead. Before the date it is sometimes hard to tell if your sense of humor will be compatible with his; and whether he is socially impaired or just nervous. Lots of nice guys lose out at this stage, simply because they hang out with other men all day at work and are a little awkward around girls. While we want to screen out the truly weird or disrespectful, take a second look at men who seem sincere and demonstrate follow-through, but aren’t necessarily suave. You may have discovered a diamond in the rough who will shine when you meet in real life.   

Rule 8: Skip men with overtly sexual or “seduction” profiles. The best part about the PUA (pick-up artist) crowd is that they tend to be very open about their interests. If a man sends you suggestive comments or his handle contains words like “player,” just ignore him. Let other women take that bait. 

FROM BCBG

Rule 9: Ignore men with lazy opening lines. If all he can muster up is “hi” “ur hot” or ;-) just ignore him. Wait to receive a message that demonstrates a little more effort and interest in your profile, specifically.

Rule 10: Politely asserting yourself doesn’t make you high maintenance. It is neither bossy nor impolite to state your preferences. If a guy is excited about meeting you he will want to please and impress you. While we would typically let a man lead the planning of a date, a gentleman will certainly ask for your opinions. It is o.k. to tell him that you prefer to meet near your gym. Or that you don’t like sushi. And you can only meet on Tuesday. Really, don’t be shy about your needs and preferences. If he has already asked you out, is in planning mode, and is inviting you to provide feedback—give it to him. If he says you are too high maintenance or in any way tries to suppress your point of view, say “No, thank you” and skip the date. It was not going to go well anyway.

e.l.f. cosmetics

Rule 11: Men appreciate the simple “No.” Practice a breezy “no thanks” with men. There is never a need to embellish. Providing the full explanation and details as to why you don’t care to drink alcohol on the DZ is unnecessary and none of his business. Likewise, he doesn’t need a list of your allergies and food restrictions; or to hear all about your terrible experiences at a local restaurant and why you’ll never dine there again. Respond with “No, thank you” or “it’s just not my thing” where appropriate. Then follow with silence. Men hear you best when you don’t go on and on. If he’s a gentleman, he’ll respect your wishes, and if he likes you he will take pleasure in accommodating your preferences.   

Rule 12: Keep the conversation light. There is no benefit to getting emotionally naked on the date. Save your innermost thoughts and feelings for those who’ve earned your trust. Many women over-share on the first date in an attempt to draw men closer, when instead it telegraphs that you have weak boundaries and are desperate for connection. You will end up driving away normal, healthy guys, and attracting men who are opportunistic or exploitative. Neither do you need to research conversational topics or memorize cute jokes. Relax, trust that simply being with you is enough, and let him lead the conversation.

Rule 13: He has to pay for the date. If you start splitting the check now, you will set up a dynamic in which you will always have to help him date you. Besides, when a man likes you, it is his pleasure to be generous and provide you with things. If it makes you feel better, consider that he will select a date venue that is within his budget; meeting at a coffee or juice bar is perfectly acceptable and inexpensive.

Rule 14: Pay attention to signs of disinterest and be quick to hit the eject button. Acknowledge that sometimes men simply aren’t attracted to you when they meet you in real life. Salvage the rest of your evening and end the date quickly if he doesn’t seem interested. How can you tell? He may be flat or unengaged in conversation, check his phone constantly, drink heavily, ogle other women in the bar, flirt with the waitress, or otherwise passive-aggressively announce: I’m bored. When a fish is wriggling like this on the hook, it’s best to set it free. Excuse yourself (it doesn’t matter what you say) and head for the exit before you waste another precious minute. Whatever you do, don’t work to engage him in conversation or try to focus his attention back on you. You are not his unpaid escort. If you have to work for eye contact, he is not into you or he’s playing some kind of power game; the longer you sit there trying to revive this dead fish, the worse you will feel about yourself.

Beauty Brands.  Free Samples With Purchase.

Here’s a tip for next time: Men who aren’t really available or not that attracted to you often have difficulty setting up the DZ in the first place. If he arranges a date but then cancels on you, don’t immediately give him a second chance to reschedule; pass up his first offer and see if he persists. Also, if he expects you to do all the planning or has no suggestions or is otherwise lukewarm prior to the date, that can be a red flag. If he drags his feet, you should immediately become less interested in meeting him. Even if he was to be your only date in months, you are better off staying home or going to the gym than subjecting yourself to the glazed look and tepid conversation of man who would rather be elsewhere.

FROM BEAUTY BRANDS

Rule 15: You can say yes to long-distance suitors. If you live in a rural area where there aren’t a lot of dating opportunities nearby, I feel your pain. Nonetheless, you are still going to have to follow these rules if you want to meet a quality man. You aren’t going to contact men first. And you cannot travel to his town for the date—he must come to you. Understandably, many women in tight-knit communities don’t want to be seen with an online date in their local coffee bar, where everyone knows your business. If you prefer, it’s o.k. to have him meet you one town over, if that means driving 15 minutes or less, and it’s not too inconvenient for you. And, yes, the first date should only last an hour, even if he has to drive 3 hours each way to see you.

One of my recently married clients can tell you that men really are willing to drive hours for the right girl. Her now-husband drove 2 hours each way to meet her for a 1-hour DZ in a little town in Western Kansas. After exactly 57 minutes of chit-chat, my client left him and went to her previously arranged appointment. Was he upset that he’d driven 2 hours to meet her for a single coffee in a diner? No. He spent a few hours exploring the unfamiliar town, identified the one “fancy” restaurant, ate dinner there alone, and filed it away in his memory; 10 months later he brought her to that same restaurant for a surprise proposal.

Final Rule: When in doubt, always skip the date. Listen to your uh-oh voice and pass on any suggestion that doesn’t feel right. Remember, a man is on his best behavior at the very beginning of a relationship. He should be going all out to impress you. If he’s not, take the hint and move on. 

xo
Robyn

Robyn Wahlgast is a Rules Certified Dating and Relationship Coach for Women. Book a private consultation or subscribe to her FREE dating and relationship newsletter and get priority access to all new blog posts and advice. Learn how to rock The Rules your own way for lasting love and commitment.  

3 REASONS WHY THE 'IT GIRL' DOESN'T ALWAYS WIN AT LOVE

Don't settle for applause when what you desire is a love connection.

Don't settle for applause when what you desire is a love connection.

Let's face it, men like you. Maybe your friends even call you a man magnate and envy your ability to gather a crowd of admirers wherever you go. At work, the buzz is that all the single guys are crushing on you.

And yet, despite these conquests, your social sparkle hasn't yet manifested Mr. Right. It seems so unfair—shouldn’t it be an asset to be popular with the boys? And aren’t you increasing your chances of getting paired up when you make eligible men the center of your social universe?

Here are 3 reasons why being on the most-wanted list doesn’t necessarily help you score in romance—along with ways to tweak your game so that you are sure to win.

1. Your regularly-scheduled appearances have him yawning and reaching for the remote. If you enjoy being at the center of a group, that’s a bonus—you are probably better than most singles at getting out and meeting new people. But the problem comes in when your attendance at events is so consistent that everyone has your schedule memorized. Do you always go out for beers on Wednesday nights with your work buddies? Maybe one of your office mates has fantasized about asking you out one-on-one, but since you’re so available his drive to approach is quickly disappearing. What’s the rush, thinks Mr. Lazypants, I’ll see her tomorrow night with the crew.

From now on, make for the elevator as soon as each workday ends, and go to the gym or out with non-work friends instead. Interested in a cute guy who volunteers at your church coffee hour? Say hi after the service, but skip the small talk and donuts, and go for a run with other friends instead. If a man is interested in taking things to the next level, he will get the idea that he’d better take action or you’ll leave him in the dust.

2. He’s starting to see you as a wingman rather than the main attraction. Being entertaining and fun are terrific qualities to have and can net you an appreciative male audience, but your opportunity for flirtation could get lost in the snorts and guffaws. To ensure that you remain a glamour girl—and not just the funny girl—dress up your wit in a little seductive mystery. Learn to punctuate your routine with silence, and generously share center stage with others. If you are naturally an extrovert, go ahead and have your moment in the spotlight (we love that about you) but then disappear rather than holding forth all night. Maybe one of your fans has a secret crush on you; by leaving him wanting more, you have the chance to ignite desire and haunt his thoughts. Isn’t that better than being his silly little sister?

3. You may be substituting applause for true connection. When you’re the It Girl surrounded by appreciative guys, it’s easy to believe that a lasting relationship is right around the corner; surely someone in the group is The One, right? We fool ourselves into thinking that since we easily attract a man’s attention we are somehow well on our way toward capturing his heart. But amor may be as elusive as ever; he may admire you but not in that way. If what you really want is to be part of a couple, be careful not to confuse bro affection with the real thing. Instead, sign up for speed-dating or Meetup activities and start being more purposeful in your social choices. Don’t feed your need for attention at the expense of fulfilling your need for an intimate connection.

Male friends are wonderful and we value having them in our lives. But if you are a single woman who is searching for her Mr. Right, don’t get lulled into complacency because you find yourself hanging with the boys on a Saturday night. Keep your relationship goals in focus, and start turning down some of those group hang-outs. You might be pleasantly surprised to find that by shaking up your routine, you’ve sparked new interest and turned a friend into something more.

Robyn Wahlgast is a Certified Dating and Relationship Coach for Women. Book a private consultation or subscribe to her FREE dating and relationship newsletter and get priority access to all new content. 

ROBYN'S TOP 5 TIPS ON DOING THE RULES

Do you need to treat him mean to keep him keen?

hi Robyn,
I am just starting out with The Rules and I keep hearing about bootcamp rules and strict rules. How do I know if I’m being strict enough and when would I want to be bootcamp? My gf says I should be b*tchier with guys, but I’m not sure.
Thanks,

Rachael

READ FIRST: ALL ABOUT "THE RULES"

ROBYN'S TOP 5 TIPS ON DOING THE RULES

This is an email I recently received from a new subscriber, and it reminded me how much confusion there is around doing the Rules successfully. If you’re reading this blog and you’re not sure what The Rules are, check out www.therulesbook.com to learn more about The Rules book and its updated version, Not Your Mother’s Rules, by authors Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider.

Do you need to treat him mean to keep him keen?

FROM DR. BRANDT

Tip #1: The chase should be fun — for him and for you.

I like to say that if a woman is going to do The Rules she should do them exactly as written rather than “strictly” because some women go too far and actually act strict, like a sour old granny. That’s not very sexy. You want to ignite a chase, and the chase should be fun — for him and for you.

TIP: If you can do The Rules strictly and be a pleasure to be with, you are a Rules Girl.   

Some girls get the idea that they should act like b*tches to appear challenging and not-so-easy. Understandably, these women want to communicate that they have strong boundaries, so that they will be treated well. Unfortunately, being deliberately difficult often has the reverse effect: it signals that you are on guard and worried about being [pick one]:

  • Stood up
  • Cheated on
  • Abandoned
  • Forgotten

Instead, practice channeling the serenity of a woman who is always respected and cherished in relationships. (You don't know there's any other way!) Emotionally healthy women are mysterious but real on dates. (See Tip #5)

Your mindset: I have nothing to worry about. Men always treat me well.

FROM BEAUTY BRANDS

If you want to marry a quality man — someone who has his act together personally and professionally, and who is open to love — then you want to project the right qualities. The rules woman should be light and breezy, and a pleasure to be with; she has poise and great manners. She is deeply feminine and also easy to connect with. She's not closed off, bitter, or angry. She likes men! She's not nervously looking over her shoulder, waiting for her new guy to disappoint her.

TIP: The Rules woman likes men. She's not nervously looking over her shoulder, waiting for her new guy to disappoint her.

Tip #2: Do all the Rules, all the time.

This is a really important point, because to do the rules well, you’ll want to apply them to all areas of your life. You will have a hard time being rulesy on your dates if you have poor boundaries at work or with your kids and family. Learn to use the rules in a way that naturally fits your personality, and you will be able to practice them all the time. I don’t know many professional environments in which being cold, unapproachable, and mean are great career-building qualities. Mind your own business and avoid gossip and negativity — that’s part of doing the rules at work — and interact with your colleagues in a kind and pleasant way. You will have many more opportunities in life if you choose to live graciously and with good manners.

I get calls from women who have given up on the rules because they have trouble doing them consistently. They might start out in a rules relationship and then let things slide as they mistakenly believe it’s time to be “real” with a boyfriend (i.e., stop doing the rules); or they simply can’t keep it up past the early stages of a relationship. If you focus on being yourself—the best, most confident version of yourself —you may find it easier to do the rules consistently, with everyone, and that’s the best way to internalize healthy boundaries.

FROM BCBG

Tip #3: Confidence is cool, but poise has more power.

Just as men who loudly flaunt their successes can seem insecure — the opposite of what they hope to project — the mean girl is also less desirable than a woman who quietly radiates true inner confidence. I have seen women go overboard at singles events or in clubs, trying to seem disinterested and aloof, or bantering with men in a rude manner. Instead of seeming cool these girls are just awkward. Understand that if a man finds you physically attractive, he will pursue you regardless of how grumpy or ill-mannered you are — for short-term fun. The problem is that you won’t attract and retain a quality guy who will want to bring you into his life for keeps. Don't be a player's prize for the night.

"When I'm at a club or party, I head straight for the meanest girl cuz I know she's easy, lol. She is fronting but underneath she's been hurt... Lots of these girls have a sad story, they've been dumped and used."
 — Darius (age 26)
"Real men don't love b*tches. But we'll sleep with one if she's hot. ;)"
— Mike (age 37)

Marriage-minded men are looking for a woman who is naturally poised and relaxed. You will instantly signal quality if you practice an open and quiet confidence when you are in social settings. Always listen more than you speak, and you will not seem nervous — even if you have first-date jitters. Fully accepting and being at peace with who you are is an essential part of your beauty. Successful men choose wives who can handle themselves in any social setting and who are gifted at connecting people (this is just a hard-wired preference). Interacting easily with those around you can help you attract your Mr. Right. 

FROM E.L.F.

Tip #4: Be a Bootcamp Beauty Queen.

Bootcamp Rules (the strictest interpretation of the official Rules) can help the “overly nice, gushy girl” present a stronger, more balanced personality. However, the effect should be more Beauty Queen than Sour Old Granny. We're not trying to punish men. As always, you'll want to bring a fresh and feminine spirit to your behavior.

TIP: If you're not normally bootcamp, and you feel the need to suddenly become super-strict with a man who is not treating you well, this may be a red flag.

There is one scenario where bootcamp rules can't help, and that is if you’re dating Mr. Wrong. If you feel the need to be bootcamp with your guy, it could mean that deep down, you don’t trust him. Be careful that you aren’t simply delaying the inevitable. If you’ve caught him cheating on you or otherwise truly disrespecting you, he is not your Mr. Right, and bootcamp rules are not going to change that. The rules say to move on — not to invest more time and energy in a man who doesn’t love you.

Finally, don't overlook the power of feminine vulnerability. In fact, a man simply can't fall in love with you — not in a deep, lasting way — if he doesn't first feel protective toward you. Make sure you show him your softer side as you do bootcamp rules, so that he can fully connect with you. 

Tip #5: Be Real.

Connecting with another person is exciting. It's a first date... you make eye contact mid-sentence... and you just kind of know: this person is my kind, my tribe. Men crave this jolt of emotional connection just as much as women do. In fact, if it's not there at all, he will get bored and eventually move on. (Amazingly beautiful women are sometimes left on sidelines of love, for exactly this reason.) 

Being mysterious includes having depth. (To be holding back, you have to have something to hold back!) When your manner suggests that there is much to know about you... that's when you create true intrigue. That's when a man becomes interested in knowing more. That's the beginning of a chase that leads to lasting love, not just sex.

TIP: When a woman combines the mystery of The Rules with a genuine realness and presence, there is no limit to her ability to enchant men.   

Remember, The Rules are like vitamins: in the right dose they are healthy and positive; but don’t assume that doing more than is necessary or taking them to extremes will get you a better result. Be hard to get—but not impossible to get. Do the rules as written, with warmth and charm, and you’ll be attractive and confident in all areas of your life. All of us are capable of achieving the inner radiance that comes from being a Rules woman.

READ NEXT: ALL ABOUT "THE RULES"

Robyn Wahlgast is a Rules Certified Dating and Relationship Coach for Women. Book a private consultation or subscribe to her FREE dating and relationship newsletter and get priority access to all new content. 

HE WON'T PROPOSE... WHAT TO DO?

get him to propose faster

You want to get married, but he's in no rush. Don't let your insecurities ruin a good thing. Follow these 4 tips and you'll be walking down the aisle in no time. 

If you are a woman who is happily involved in an exclusive relationship, your thoughts have probably turned to marriage. This is understandable: for many people, the act of getting married is the ultimate expression of a couple’s love for one another.

The phase just before engagement can be one of the trickiest for a couple to navigate, however. If you have been dating for a year or more, you may feel that your guy should already be Instagramming ring ideas to your BFF. And though he may not show it, your boyfriend may be struggling with his own expectations and pressures as well.

Follow these 4 tips to ensure that you're moving in sync, and you and your man will build a solid foundation for your life together.  

1. Take a deep breath. Although you may have good reasons for wanting him to hurry up and propose already—a madly ticking biological clock, family pressures, or other very real concerns—practice stepping out of the “I want” mindset.  Many women come to me saying “I want a husband” or “I want to get married.” It may be helpful instead to say, “I am ready to become a wife” and fully embrace the major changes you will face when your wish becomes reality. In many religious traditions, marriage is viewed as a covenant with God or a spiritual union—a solemn undertaking indeed. Marriage is also a joining together of communities, forever altering your relationships with parents, children, relatives—even your friends. Appreciate that you stand at a momentous threshold, and choose to cross calmly and with intention.

2. Open your eyes to the truth within. I get many calls from women who want to get their boyfriends to propose, but as the conversation continues it becomes clear that the future groom has been MIA for several days or otherwise has a pattern of disrespecting the caller. Ladies, please take note: A man in love who has made the mental commitment to propose is very easy to spot. He may not specialize in fancy seduction moves, or shower you with diamonds and rose petals, but he respects you and is supportive, follows through on his promises to you, and makes sure you know where he is and who he is with. If your boyfriend is a triple-D (regularly disappoints, disrespects, and disappears) recognize that you are just his good-enough-for-now girl, not his future wife.

3. Embrace his perspective. Even when men and women face identical cultural pressures (such as marrying by a certain age or producing an auspicious number of offspring), men typically balance these expectations with practical considerations. Of course, if he is a junior attorney postponing engagement until he makes partner, that may be a red flag. But if he is waiting another 6 months so that he can receive a bonus, a promotion, or clear up some financial issues, consider yourself lucky to be in a relationship with a man who takes seriously his role as your future partner. The first year of marriage is one of the hardest, and addressing practical concerns in advance can be a wise move.

4. Create positive momentum. While your expectation may be that marriage is the inevitable next step in your relationship, your man may think that things are comfortable just as they are. A cozy holding pattern can set in when a couple is already living together, or otherwise treating each other like spouses without having made a formal commitment. In this case, someone has to rub two sticks together or the relationship may lose its sizzle before you have a chance to reach the altar.

  • Although you may think the solution is to confront your guy and detail all the ways in which he is not meeting your needs, he will hear this talk as an ultimatum, and its one-sidedness could cause him to pull back rather than opening up an honest exchange.
  • Instead, start creating your own positive momentum. Have you been avoiding the gym? Tomorrow, get up early and go. Have you fallen into a rut at work? Register for classes to help you transition to a new career. Start reconnecting with old friends. Dress and look your best at all times. If your guy loves you, he will take note of these changes. Just keep going with your positive energy and let things percolate. Over the next few months it will become clear whether your guy is willing to step up and join you, or if you will be moving forward solo.   

Waiting for him to propose may require more self-restraint than you think you can muster, especially if you are a woman who is used to making things happen in other areas of your life. But the proposal is an important way for a man to express his feelings for you. Accept this gift graciously, and you will both share a wonderful memory that will help sustain your connection throughout married life.

Robyn Wahlgast is a Certified Dating and Relationship Coach for Women. Book a private consultation or subscribe to her FREE dating and relationship newsletter and get priority access to all new content. 

CHANGE YOUR LIFE, READ THE RULES BOOK

THE RULES BOOK

My interview with Dina Colada, below, was reprinted with permission from the EPIC LOVE website.

Dina Colada: Hi everyone, this is a special EPIC LOVE interview with Robyn Wahlgast of New Direction Dating, a relationship coaching service for women. Robyn uses “The Rules” in her practice, and today we’re going to find out what that’s all about....Robyn, why don’t you give us a quick bio.

Robyn Wahlgast: Well, I’m an east coast girl, now living in Kansas with my wonderful husband and 3 kids. I have been coaching women for over 10 years, and became Rules Certified in 2009.

Dina: So tell us about “The Rules.”

Robyn: The Rules is a relationship book for women written by Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider that was first published in 1995. Your folks might be more familiar with John Gray’s Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, another relationship classic that was published in 1992. Both books give very compatible advice, in terms of understanding male-female dynamics, male and female energy. The basic idea is that when a woman’s energy is in sync with a man’s the relationship moves forward smoothly, like a dance; but if you’re stepping all over each other’s toes, the relationship will fizzle out.  Your energy style is expressed through your behavior, so a lot of what I’m doing is behavior modeling, teaching women exactly what to say or do to create healthy boundaries with men.

  •  I tell my clients that Men Are From Mars is like your kindly older brother. John Gray’s delivery is direct but gentle, he is addressing both men and women together, and his tone is welcoming and reassuring. It’s an easy book to like.
  • The Rules, on the other hand, is presenting the kind of advice your little brother might share. Little brothers don’t spare your feelings; they tell you exactly what’s going on in the boys-only clubhouse. These are relationship tips women won’t typically hear from other women. So it can be a more difficult book to get into when you first pick it up.

Women need both types of advice. (Learn how to use The Rules to date with healthy boundaries in this article.)

Dina: So give us an example of a “Rule.”

Robyn: The very first rule is “Never call a man and rarely return his calls.” Well, most people only get that far. They think “That’s crazy!” and don’t read any further. That rule #1 is pretty much what gets picked up on by the media and what most people know about the book.

Dina: OK, well I have to stop you there because you know a lot of my clients are men. I have to stick up for my guys and say, it sounds like you are advising women to play games. We don’t like women who play games!

Robyn: Yes, of course. And using or manipulating men is not in the spirit of The Rules book. This is what I tell my clients: we don’t “do The Rules” on men; we do them on ourselves so our crazy girl-in-love behavior doesn’t scare away a great guy. Let me describe it this way:

We all know women who fall in love with men way too fast,  get clingy, needy, and start asking “where is this relationship going.” And that’s after only 3 weeks! Or sometimes really great women fall into a relationship rut, where they can’t get past the 3-month mark with men; they have a whole string of boyfriends but it never seems to go anywhere. That’s a woman who needs to learn new ways of relating to men or she is never going to experience the lasting love she’s looking for.

The Rules tell us to guard our hearts and move slowly in relationships—which is often the opposite of what we instinctively feel like doing, especially when we’re so hot for a particular guy. But many women don’t have a very accurate “guy-dar” for male behavior; we put too much faith in words, and forget about actions. Many women get swept off their feet by men who say “Baby, I’ll never let you down,” and then make excuse after excuse for him when he proceeds to do just that.

Meanwhile, the good guys get left on the sidelines—maybe some of your folks have seen this—and they just shake their heads and mistakenly conclude that girls don’t like nice men and only fall for jerks.

I’ll go even further and say that the way I teach The Rules, nice “diamond in the rough” guys actually get promoted to the top of a woman’s list. If a man has a pattern of saying he’ll call on Tuesday, but he always “forgets” and you don’t hear from him until Sunday, The Rules thing to do is to stop seeing him and move on to a man who treats you with respect. If a man continually lets you down, it doesn’t matter how hot the sex is, or how much you’re obsessed with his George Clooney looks. You move on to a nice guy who actually delivers on his promises. Only love those who love you.

Dina: OK, cool. How did you get involved with the Rules?

Robyn: Back in the 1990s I was a single woman living in Manhattan. When The Rules book was published my reaction was, this is not for me. I believe strongly in always being polite and kind when possible—those are values that my husband and I both work hard to model for our children, today—and at the time it seemed rude to me that I would no longer be meeting men halfway and doing “my share” of the work in dating.

But I started attending The Rules book seminars at The Learning Annex in New York.  Women would stand up and give a 1-minute synopsis of their current relationship. Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider (the authors) would go around the room, giving a thumbs-up or thumbs-down on each situation, and in a few seconds they would tell the women exactly what to say or do next. They made Jim Cramer’s “Lightening Round” look like a waltz. I knew right away that I needed to re-read the book, and that there was a lot that I had missed the first time.

I mentioned the little brother/older brother analogy before. At the seminars, Ellen and Sherrie talked about how, as they were growing up, they closely watched their brothers interacting with women. Ellen Fein has said that in high school, girls would call her house all the time, chasing after her cute, popular brother. Ellen got the “behind the scenes” view and saw how her brother and his friends were kind of disrespectful toward the girls who chased them. The Rules is the wake-up call that Ellen and Sherrie probably wished they could have given those high school girls years ago!

Dina: Awesome, Robyn, well thanks for joining me today! Everyone, I know you have some thoughts on The Rules so add your comments below. Robyn, if people want to follow up with you what’s the easiest way.

Robyn: Sure, I’m at www.NewDirectionDating.com and my email address is NewDirectionDating@Gmail.com. Thanks so much, Dina, it was fun!

Robyn Wahlgast is a Certified Dating and Relationship Coach for Women. Book a private consultation or subscribe to her FREE dating and relationship newsletter and get priority access to all new content. 

BABY, YOU'RE SO CLASSIC (9 DATING TIPS FOR WOMEN OVER 40)

over-40 dating tips

Despite what you might hear from some experts, a "mature" woman doesn't need special strategies and tricks to find a husband. What worked at 25 is what will work at 35, 45, 55, and beyond. Cheers, and happy dating!

1.  Don't fall victim to scarcity thinking. There is an abundance of single men your age, and they are easily accessible on Tinder, eHarmony, Match, and even in everyday life. Many are actively looking to get married or remarried, so make sure they can find you. Read my FREE guide to online dating: How To Have A Great First Date With An Online Guy.

2.  All the good ones are not taken.  As an over-40 woman you have the great pleasure of dating men who are also 40+. Having made a few mistakes in the past, and experienced some missed opportunities of their own, these gentlemen don’t waste time. When they want you, they let you know. George Clooney notwithstanding, most men over 40 relish the shared humor, music and movie references, and general camaraderie of women their own age.     

3.  You don't have to play hard-to-get—because you truly are.  Maybe you’re not completely sure that you want to get married. (OK, you are sure, but you don't broadcast it.) You’ve imagined a future in which you remain single and it doesn’t look so bad. This attitude makes you more of a challenge than you might have been in your 30s, and therefore more interesting to men. What a wonderful position to be in.  Mr. Right will have to work hard to earn your time and attention, and to convince you to take a chance on him. 

4.  Your life story is valuable—so don't give it away on the first date. Reveal yourself slowly, over many months, and make him earn each jewel. 

5.  Focus on fitness. Investing in your health and fitness level has a guaranteed return that will positively impact every area of your life. So join the best gym you can afford, and work out regularly with a personal trainer. You'll enjoy the added bonus of meeting men who also embrace a healthy lifestyle. 

6.  Don't overlook the importance of adding new female friends to your social network. The next time you're out-numbered at a singles event, make sure you circulate among the other women in the room. You never know—that new gal pal may have a brother or co-worker who would be perfect for you.  

7.  Don't advertise your wealth and achievements. Your contacts and social network are like glittering treasures. Protect them fiercely and you'll never be exploited or scammed. Likewise, you should be dating seriously before a man learns of your many career accomplishments. If he seems more interested in your status and success than in your love, politely show him the door.

8.  Avoid gold-diggers. Your date should be putting his best foot forward, not advertising his loans, liens, alimony, child support, and business expenses. If his need for cash is a persistent topic, just walk away. (Never lend your date money.)

9.  Appreciate that life is short. So if some red flags get raised with a particular guy, just move on quickly. There really are lots of fish in the sea!

Robyn Wahlgast is a Certified Dating and Relationship Coach for Women. Book a private consultation or subscribe to her FREE dating and relationship newsletter and get priority access to all new content. 

12 ESSENTIAL ONLINE DATING TIPS FOR WOMEN

BEST online dating tips for women

I developed these tips when I was online dating (which is how I met my husband), and have shared them with my private clients over the years. Now I'm so pleased to be able to share them with you! 
— xo Robyn

I created these tips for women of all ages seeking a long-term, committed relationship through online dating. Following these tips will ensure that you stay safe, work less, eliminate much of the stress and frustrations, and enjoy better results.

TIP#1: Stop being an A+ student. When you join a dating site and it presents you with a complicated questionnaire to fill out, including where you went to high school and your favorite color, guess what? You aren't going to be graded on how complete you are. Skip most of those questions, and concentrate on what men care about: How to please you on a date. The written part of your profile should contain:

  • Places you like to go (include good date venues)
  • Activities you like to do (again, what would work on date)
  • Interests (so he has something to reference in that first message)
  • Done!

TIP#2: Schedule your screen time. Try to spend no more than 2 hours per week answering responses and screening men. This will ensure that you are also getting out and meeting men in real life, will help keep you from getting burned out, and will also send the message to potential dates that your time is valuable and you aren’t sitting around waiting for calls and texts.

TIP#3: Focus on your photo. Men will screen you quickly based on your photo. It does not matter what else you share in your profile; if he doesn’t find your photo attractive he will not contact you. Here is the type of photo men like to see:

  • Happy and smiling—as he hopes you’ll be on the date. 
  • At least one full-body or ¾ view, to show off your assets.
  • Emphasize cleavage or legs (if you have both, go for it).
  • Natural and casual—no suits or business headshots.
  • “Youthful”—this is a look you can achieve at any age. Some of my most youthful-looking friends are in their 60s and 70s. Men love it!

TIP#4: Create a handle that is physically descriptive. The best handles for women are physically descriptive and help men remember your photo(s). Create a dating email account and use your handle as your address. When you register on a dating site you'll use BlondeBeachBabe77@Gmail.com as your address, instead of Susan.Morris@Corporation.com. Always look for ways to hide personal or identifying information, even on sites like eHarmony that encourage the use of real first names. Give your Online Dating Profile a makeover with these additional tips. 

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TIP#5: Don’t contact men first. Let men find you. You must follow this tip if you are looking for long-term relationship success and/or marriage, and it directly contradicts most of the “expert advice” you’ll see on online dating sites.

Sure, some women are lucky and they reach out to a man who would have contacted them first anyway. But luck is not a strategy. You will feel much more secure and relaxed in a relationship if you know he truly desired you from the beginning.

When dating sites send you “suggested matches” to contact, just ignore those suggestions. And don’t sit around searching for eligible men and daydreaming about them, or wondering why they don’t contact you. That’s a sure sign that you need to take a break and go outside.

TIP#6: Protect yourself (and your contacts) from scams.  Some opportunistic men will try to access your personal/business network for their own gain or for online scams. Be cautious with your social media connections: don’t Friend, Link to, or otherwise commit to a social media relationship with a man until at least date #3, when you’re sure he’s for real. And he has to link to you first! Early in a dating relationship, just play dumb and don’t reveal your many followers and celebrity connections.

Likewise, there is no need to reveal your prestigious business title in your profile, or mention it in your first meeting. Don’t use your work email for online dating, or share your office phone number or location. We want him to desire you, not your network.

TIP#7: Ignore men with lazy opening lines. If all he can muster up is “hi” “ur hot” or ;-) just ignore him. Wait to receive a message that demonstrates a little more effort and interest in your profile, specifically. 

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TIP#8: Don’t be a penpal. After about 3 messages, a man should suggest meeting in real life. (He already decided, the minute he saw your photo, whether you are his type. He does not need more information to make this decision.)  If he doesn't suggest meeting, just put him in the “Next!” pile and move on. Maybe he’s not interested in you, maybe he’s not really available. It doesn't matter. Don’t waste your time. A note on eHarmony: This site encourages the exchange of questions and answers to get the conversational ball rolling. Many men, understandably, go along with this suggested process, which can stretch out the time it takes to actually ask you out. In this case, cut him some slack; he's just trying to do the right thing.   

TIP#9: Move it to the phone. After a man does suggest meeting, send him your phone number (if he hasn't asked for it already), and say "call me 000-0000". If you don’t include “call me” you’re likely to get a text, and it is very important that you phone-screen anyone you intend to meet—you can tell a lot from talking to someone.  It is also much more efficient to plan a first meeting in a phone conversation, rather than endless texts back and forth. (Texts work best in an established relationship.)

TIP#10: Listen to your gut. If you have any hesitations at all about meeting someone, at any point in the process, don’t go. Always meet in public, and either meet friends afterwards or head to another public place such as a health club or coffee bar.  Always play it safe.

TIP#11: Limit the first meeting to an hour. I call this the "sandwich" date because you are going to sandwich it in between other activities, such as work, going to the gym, a class, or other social obligations. This gives you an easy exit, and leaves him wanting more (increasing the chances that he'll ask you for another date). It also prevents you from focusing too much on the date, or unnecessarily working your schedule around his. Read more tips for having a Great First Date With An Online Match.  

TIP#12: Reveal personal details slowly, over several dates. This is for your own protection, in case he turns out to be someone who could be unsafe, but also because your personal life is precious and you don't know yet if he deserves all the 411. Women with good boundaries are stingy with details, and reveal themselves over time. Let him earn your life story.

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DATING AFTER DIVORCE (6 TIPS FOR WOMEN)

dating after divorce tips for women

Even when you are the one to initiate separation or divorce—and regardless of how unhappy you might have been with your ex—the ending of a marriage is a significant life event. Make sure you take the time to acknowledge this significance. Journaling can be a great way to record lessons learned and mourn that past version of you. Additionally, if you feel that you would benefit from counseling or therapy, be sure to seek help and take care of yourself.

As soon as you can, though, it is wise to tip-toe back into the dating pool. Male attention has a way of energizing us and making us feel younger, prettier, and happier in general. The following tips for Dating After Divorce will ensure that you take things slow, protect your heart, and maintain healthy boundaries with your dates.  

1. MAINTAIN REALISTIC EXPECTATIONS. Sometimes a romantic euphoria can kick in when a woman starts dating again. You begin to imagine that all your relationship needs will now be fulfilled (especially if romance was waning in your marriage), and that each date brings the promise of lasting love. The danger is that you will open your heart too quickly, and project too-good-to-be-true qualities onto men who may not reciprocate your feelings. 

2. TAKE IT SLOW. Put some rules into place so that you are sure to take things slowly with a new man, even when your heart says "Go!" Try seeing your guy only once or twice a week, to start. You will have a much easier time maintaining healthy boundaries, and ensure that you aren't neglecting other areas of your life, if you follow this rule. (As a side benefit, your guy may realize that in order to see you whenever he wants, he will need to marry you!)

3. BEWARE THE OFFICE FLIRT. Under other circumstances, attention from a friendly male co-worker or neighbor would be harmless. But when you're emotionally vulnerable, it can be easy to mistake friendliness for romantic intent, and waste time on a (one-sided) fantasy relationship. As a general rule, never assume that attention and flirting indicates true romantic interest. If a man wants to date you, he will ask you out. If you are sitting around wondering what his intentions are, he probably doesn't have any. 

4.  FOCUS ON FITNESS. I include this tip in all my posts because it is so important for life-long happiness. Investing in your health and fitness level has a guaranteed return that will positively impact every area of your life. So join the best gym you can afford, and work out regularly with a personal trainer. You'll enjoy the added bonus of meeting men who also embrace a healthy lifestyle. 

5.  ADD SINGLE FEMALE FRIENDS TO YOUR SOCIAL NETWORK. The next time you're out-numbered at a singles event, make sure you circulate among the other women in the room. You never know—that new gal pal may have a brother or co-worker who would be perfect for you. Also, it will help you to have one or two single friends with whom you can go to events and fill up your social calendar. 

6.  JOIN AN ONLINE DATING SITE. When a newly single woman tells me she's not ready for online dating, I remind her: Just because you post a profile does not mean you are obligated to actually go on a date. Maybe you will want to go when the right man contacts you and asks you out. Try it and see! 

Robyn Wahlgast is a Certified Dating and Relationship Coach for Women. Book a private consultation or subscribe to her FREE dating and relationship newsletter and get priority access to all new content. 

5 TIPS FOR DATING WITH TINDER

Don't be fooled: Tinder may seem new and different, but the rules for dating haven't changed.

Don't be fooled: Tinder may seem new and different, but the rules for dating haven't changed.

Tinder can be a great way to meet new men. But don’t assume that because the app taps into your Facebook network, your matches will be less random or more "safe" than with an online dating site or guys you meet in real life. Stick to the same rules you would use when meeting any new man. 

Also, while you should go ahead and get comfortable with Tinder, understand that there is always something new around the corner. Whatever the next hot dating trend turns out to be, the basic rules will always stay the same. 

TIP 1: You access Tinder through Facebook, because that’s how the app will match you to other Tinder users. So make sure your Facebook profile is up to date. Your main photo should clearly showcase you, not a crowd of people or a general scene. Also, although you should definitely include a full-body photo in your Tinder profile, aim for a "sporty" look rather than full-on sexy, which will mainly earn you suggestive and inappropriate messaging. 

TIP 2: The app will suggest possible dates for you, based on your shared location and interests. You swipe right for "yes," left for "no." Go ahead and swipe right if you are interested in a man, but do nothing further. If your right-swipes are interested in you, they will message you. Don’t be fooled into making the first move, just because Tinder seems new and different, and the app implies that you should be reaching out to your matches. Any potential relationship will work best if he pursues you from the beginning.

TIP 3: Don’t be an A+ student, responding instantly to every message you receive, and answering every question completely. You are much too busy for that. If a man wants to hear all about you, he can ask you out. (It is much more likely that he will ask you out if you aren't overly available and don’t over-share in your messaging.) 

TIP 4: Similarly, don’t become a Tinder "text pal." Witty Tinder banter can go on for weeks, if you let it. Politely move your conversation to the phone. You need to phone-screen anyone you may be planning to meet; you can tell a lot about a person from a brief voice chat. Sticking to this rule may make you seem a little more high-maintenance than the next girl, who is willing to meet over texts, but that’s o.k.  Better safe than sorry. 

TIP 5: Be discreet. Because you are potentially meeting and dating friends-of-friends, don’t broadcast your Tinder activity. As with online dating, some men may not want their contacts to know that they are using apps and websites to meet women.

Robyn Wahlgast is a Certified Dating and Relationship Coach for Women. Book a private consultation or subscribe to her FREE dating and relationship newsletter and get priority access to all new blog posts and advice.