WHY YOU FALL FOR THE WRONG GUYS (PART 1)

"[Name withheld] and I have been dating for about 2 months. We have an incredible connection. When we met I felt like he's known me forever. We share crazy coincidences, things I normally wouldn't even say on a date. He said he saw a girl just like me once in a vision. I'm still just as into him but now he is different... It's been a week and I haven't even heard from him! There's no way he didn't feel what I feel, I could tell [the sex] meant something to him, he was so loving before."
— Nia (age 31)
"This guy, I can't really tell what's going on. He made me feel amazing from the beginning. He gave me a necklace for my birthday and he takes me to really nice places when he's in town. But it's not consistent. He is away on business and so busy. Still, he says I'm his girlfriend. How can I make him make me his priority? We only get together a few nights here and there. I want more of his time...."
— Sheryl (age 40)
Are you addicted to "instant connection"? Do you sometimes sleep with a man sooner than you planned, because you feel this special connection?   

Are you addicted to "instant connection"? Do you sometimes sleep with a man sooner than you planned, because you feel this special connection?  

FROM E.L.F.

I get a version of Nia's and Sheryl's messages almost every day. These ladies share a common affliction: they are addicted to the rush of "instant connection." A woman with this mindset believes that a first date should magically flow... like a romantic dream... and that her best match is always going to be the guy who instantly gets her. 

Women like Nia and Sheryl also believe that their Mr. Wonderful must share the same intensity of feelings. After all, he [fill in the blank]:

  • Bought her an expensive dinner
  • Gave her jewelry
  • Said that he had strong feelings for her

Are you addicted to the rush of Instant Connection?

Unfortunately, this type of thinking can leave a woman vulnerable to men who are experts at seduction, but not long-term commitment.

Love is an open door... but think long and hard before you walk through it.

Love is an open door... but think long and hard before you walk through it.

FROM ZALES

There's a reason it's called "chemistry" when 2 people feel a connection. 

In Part 2, we'll talk about chemicals in your brain that can be released on a first date, or during sex, that fool you into thinking that you and your new guy share something deep. But before we dig into that phenomenon, here is a pop quiz...

Which of these two first-date guys is clearly a Next! you should turn down for date #2:

David — Who talked so much during the date that you couldn’t get a word in edge-wise. You heard all about his job, his favorite sports team, and his recent vacation. You’re pretty sure that he learned nothing about you, and has no sense of your personality. You are disappointed that you didn’t get a chance to share this really crazy story your co-worker just texted you. If you're honest, you found him nice, but boring. 

Josh — Who asked you lots of questions, laughed at your jokes, and really worked to draw you out. You found yourself telling him all kinds of personal stories from your childhood that you rarely share with anyone. You really, really hope he asks you out again.

FROM BCBG

Awkward isn't always awful.

Based only on the information above, both David and Josh are still contenders. Here is one way to look at this common dating experience:

When a man is really attracted to you he gets nervous (David). Those nerves make some guys clam up, their minds go blank, and they can’t think of anything to say—then you have to carry the conversation until he regains composure. Other men, however, start talking a mile a minute to hide their nervousness. They feel this rush of adrenaline and they channel that energy in a socially-acceptable way — talking — which might hit you like a never-ending monologue. He may also feel pressure to entertain you and hold your interest; he is worried that you'll feel bored or lapse into awkward silence. A guy like David is in selling mode. 

Should you see him again? David probably talked a lot because he likes you, not because he's self-absorbed or a narcissist. If he asks you out again, it's reasonable to give him a second chance, even if you didn't feel sparks on the first date. Some truly interesting and fascinating men take a while to get to know. They grow on you over time. In today's "instant" culture, it can be easy to overlook a real gem of a guy.    

TIP: Some truly fascinating men take a while to get to know. In today's "instant" culture, it can be easy to overlook a real gem of a guy.

Now let's move on to Josh...

Of course he knows how to create a romantic first date... he's been on so many of them!

Of course he knows how to create a romantic first date... he's been on so many of them!

Focus less on "connection." Pay attention to follow-through and reliability.

When a man isn’t way into you, he isn’t nervous at all (Josh). He’s like, I’ve got this. He may enjoy the ego boost of being able to charm you and make you giggle. He may be attracted enough to suggest going out again and maybe getting you back to his place. But he doesn’t have stars in his eyes or fear in the pit of his stomach that he’s got to work to impress you. He’s not a panicked motor-mouth or scared speechless. 

Next steps: It's awesome when a date turns out to be fun and you feel a connection. But don't assume Josh is The One simply because the conversation flowed. Going forward, pay attention to his actions and make sure he's bringing some hustle and effort to his courtship, not just entertaining banter or chemistry that is exciting but doesn't lead anywhere.

TIP: Men who are really great at dating have often been on a LOT of first and second dates. That doesn't necessarily mean that he's your perfect match.
KNOMO LONDON BACKPACKS  #THISISMYOFFICE

KNOMO LONDON BACKPACKS #THISISMYOFFICE

"He's so confusing."

The haze of attraction can cause otherwise smart women to find "mixed messages" in a situation that is pretty straightforward. 

Look, some guys think they are being gentlemen by taking you out for a proper dinner before attempting to sleep with you. Or he may feel he owes it to you to act like a boyfriend when he's with a woman who provides him with regular sex. However, none of this behavior means that he is thinking beyond tonight. Don't let good vibes fool you into believing it's more than it is. Playing at being a boyfriend is not the same as actually being one.

When a man is positively, definitely into you, there is no confusion. 

FROM BEAUTY BRANDS

"But he's not the Player type."

A player is simply someone who lives in the moment. He has no intention of hurting you, and therefore believes he is not to blame if you do get hurt. He's not thinking through the consequences of his actions, and he's not concerned about how his behavior may affect you in the long-run. He may be careless and immature, but he's not evil.

TIP: Any man you date is "playing" if he's not interested in locking you down long-term.

Lots of men are accidental players.

If you want something serious, and he's giving you romantic feels... but not romantic actions... just brush aside the rainbows and unicorns, touch up your mascara, and move on. It doesn't mean he's not a nice guy. But he's not your Mr. Right.

Romantic sparks can fool you into thinking you have something deep with a man. Even if he's just playing.

If you sometimes break Rules or sleep with men sooner than you planned, then Part 2 of this article is for you. Did you ever feel sure you connected with a man, only to find out later that he was juggling other women too? And now he hits you up only when he's bored or lonely? 

When you understand how brain chemistry works, you can begin to take charge of your intense feelings of attraction. You can even train yourself to be a little skeptical of those early fireworks. Keep reading here.

READ NEXT:  WHY YOU FALL FOR THE WRONG GUYS (PART 2)

READ NEXT: THIRD-DATE SEX IS WAY TOO SOON (SCIENCE SAYS)

Robyn Wahlgast is a Rules Certified Dating and Relationship Coach for Women. Learn how to rock The Rules for lasting love and marriage. Never miss a new blog post: subscribe to our FREE newsletter

LESS EFFORT, MORE LOVE

“I'm not sure what to do about this Tinder guy...”

“I’m not sure what to do with this Tinder guy. We met and I can tell he was attracted to me. I’m wondering if I should email him this article… You said I should wait until he texts first, but what if he doesn’t? He’s the first man I’ve met online that I actually want to see again.
— Annelise (age 51)
“[A male co-worker] always walks past my door at work, stops and jokes with me, totally obvious. Everyone says he likes me…. Do you know a way I can get him to make a move?”
Crystal (age 28)

Going after what you want is a necessary life skill.

If you’ve ever felt the sting of losing your dream house because you chose to play it safe during a bidding war, you know exactly what I mean. Missing out on a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity feels terrible. But knowing that you lost because you didn’t play the game aggressively enough? — that is a gnawing failure that most of us would do anything to keep from repeating.

Robyn Wahlgast Less effort more love

Have you ever felt the sting of losing, because you didn't pursue an opportunity aggressively enough?

So then, to compensate, we often adopt a strategy that can actually make matters worse: We over-correct. We think we missed out on the perfect (whatever) because we didn’t try hard enough.

So now… we are going to TRY. Very hard. Again and again. Until we win. At every opportunity.

FROM E.L.F.

At work or in school, or when attempting to master any new skill, trying harder can be a necessary and effective adjustment. But in romance, trying to earn your way into a man’s heart isn’t a healthy strategy. Believing that you lost out on the perfect love match because you didn’t go for it aggressively enough… well, it sounds logical. But male-female dynamics just don’t operate that way.

FROM ZALES

Relax... You are enough, just as you are.  Photo:   Sylvia Haghjoo

Relax... You are enough, just as you are. Photo: Sylvia Haghjoo

Trying to earn your way into a man’s heart isn’t a healthy strategy.

Women tend to be happiest and most fulfilled in relationships where we feel unconditionally loved and accepted. Some use the word cherished to describe this feeling of being wholly appreciated. You know you are enough for him, that you don’t need to prove anything, and that he enjoys your very essence. He just feels better when you’re around, and he values you for it.

Learn how to  rock The Rules your own way  for a lifetime of lasting love. #ReadRobyn

Learn how to rock The Rules your own way for a lifetime of lasting love. #ReadRobyn

Relationships work best when a woman feels “cherished“ — he appreciates your very essence.

Working to earn a man’s interest results in an unhealthy dynamic. Relationship “work” could include:

  • Contacting him too frequently. You fear that if you don't check in regularly — reminding him that you exist — he'll slip away and move on to someone new. 
  • Initiating dates. You believe that if you don't suggest going out, it will never happen. Don't let misguided co-workers and their online dating escapades fool you into thinking "everything is different" now. Romance still work best when you allow him the space to pursue you.
  • Telling yourself that you have a "relationship" when it is really just an entanglement. Does each "date" with him have to end in sex? Until, eventually, you aren't leaving his place at all? Regular sex + flowers on your birthday doesn't equal a relationship. If you're looking for lasting love, don't settle for a Friends With Benefits situationship.   
  • Doing material favors for him. When you're married, you're on the same team: it's a "we" game, and you support each other in winning. Until you're married, though, hold off on helping him live his life. Don't lend him money, watch his kids, or help him with his career. 

FROM BCBG

Is it him? Or is it you?

If you find yourself in a situation where you do feel the need to prove your worth to him — to win his attention and get him to focus on you — then you’re on a losing path for sure. Either he is taking advantage of you, or the problem is within you and your need to continually audition for his affection.

An emotionally mature man is uncomfortable in the receiver role, even if all he’s receiving is your focus on him. Many men can’t explain why this seems wrong, especially in the early stages of dating. He won’t give you a heads-up — he’s going to keep that uncomfortable feeling to himself. Instead, he may just conclude that he can’t trust you. That maybe you are being fake-nice, hiding something, or otherwise being manipulative. Perhaps you are overly interested in him because you want something from him…?

Logo
Zales

Of course, that’s not what you mean. You just want to ensure that a promising relationship blossoms.

But your effort does NOT spark romantic interest in men.

While you certainly can get more dates by asking for a man’s help, inviting him for coffee, sending all those texts and fascinating articles, offering to split the check, and coaxing along the process, the end result will not be the type of relationship you want.

#NeverGiveUp

If “working hard” has always worked for you in other areas of life, it may be a difficult habit to give up. And if you’ve never experienced the feeling of being cherished, you might believe that a man’s love is something you have to earn through your actions. That’s okay. Just be open-minded. Now is the perfect time to try something new….

Lots of Love,
Robyn

Robyn Wahlgast is a Rules Certified Dating and Relationship Coach for Women, and a happily married mother of three. Need advice about your own relationship? Consider booking a private consultation with Robyn. Never miss a new blog post: subscribe to our FREE newsletter.

A version of this article was previously published by the lovely people at The Wellness Universe.