WHY YOU FALL FOR THE WRONG GUYS (PART 2)

HOW ROMANTIC CHEMISTRY CAN FOOL US. READ PART 1 HERE.

There is a man on your mind.

You work with him, or you see him at church, or he is your neighbor. When you stop to chat, it’s obvious that the two of you enjoy mutual chemistry. But for some reason, he never takes things further. You wish he would ask for your number or suggest getting coffee, but he hasn’t yet.

So what should you do? You know better than to step up and ask him out yourselfBut it's hard to wait and do nothing, while a potentially great opportunity for romance passes you by.

READ FIRST:  WHY YOU FALL FOR THE WRONG GUYS (PART 1)

why you fall for the wrong guys

This is a frustrating scenario that many single women know well. You could probably have dinner with a couple of girlfriends and discuss all the possible angles of this situation for hours, decoding the secret meaning behind his “see you later” when you ran into him at the gym this morning. As any man will tell you, though, it’s really not that complicated.

His view: it’s really not that complicated.

FROM BCBG

Brain chemistry can fool us.

While feeling romantic sparks is a big deal to many women — signaling the beginning of a relationship, we hope — most men have a more practical take.

That rush of attraction is powerful in the moment, but men see it for what it is: sexual desire. It’s a mating signal. And not necessarily a mate-for-life signal, either, just a I'd-love-to-see-you-naked-sometime signal.

FROM DR. BRANDT

Men see "chemistry" for what it is: a mating signal.

When a woman says she feels chemistry with a man, she usually means that she feels an emotional connection as well. For her, that rush of adrenaline is all tangled up with feelings that resemble love.

Here are examples of how some of my female clients responded to the intense rush of the mating signal, getting into entanglements they later regretted:

  • “I know it’s wrong [to date a married man] but we have this incredible chemistry. Sometimes I don’t believe it can be completely wrong, otherwise, I wouldn’t feel this way.”
  • “He’s moved on and has a new girlfriend, but I did let him stay over last week. I hate that I let him treat me like this, but I haven’t met anyone else I feel this connection with.”
  • “I got tired of waiting so I just asked him if he had feelings for me. Now he avoids me in class. I’m in such pain. I know he feels what I feel. I don’t see why he’s playing this game.”

Women sometimes allow this intense rush of emotions to justify self-destructive decisions.

When we see a girlfriend spiraling out of control over a man, she almost always justifies her damaging behavior by saying that her connection to him “feels so intense.” She is putting her trust in feelings of intense sexual attraction, as if the intensity must automatically lead to true, lasting love. Logically, we understand that emotional connection takes time to build. Plus, it takes many months of shared experiences to really assess another person’s character and values.

FROM ASTRID & MIYU

But this friend is under the influence of dopamine and other chemicals in the brain that have triggered a mating instinct. In many ways, she is struggling with a very powerful addiction. If she says she doesn't feel strong enough to walk away... you can believe her.   

Men can enjoy the sensation of sexual chemistry without wanting to act on it.

Does her target (her man) feel the same way? Probably not. Men can feel the chemistry and enjoy it for what it is, in the here and now. A happily married man can have crush-like feelings around a co-worker without wanting to have an affair. A single man can feel chemistry with a woman who is much older or younger than he feels is appropriate to date, or who is simply isn’t his usual “type.” It’s fun and harmless and isn’t always a reaction we can control.

What we CAN control, however, is our response to romantic chemistry. And that leads us back to the original question: Should you pine over a man you have intense feelings for,  when he doesn't take a single step toward advancing your relationship? If you understand that men don’t necessarily experience “love” every time they feel that rush, you are better able to see the situation for what it is.

FROM E.L.F.

If he's not trying to move things forward it's because he doesn't want to.  #truth

Sure, he enjoys exchanging good vibes with you. It feels great. But if he saw you as The One, he’d let you know. He wouldn’t risk missing out on a good thing. If he’s not moving things forward, you have your answer: he doesn’t want to. And that understanding gives YOU the freedom to move on and find the man who does.

Just keep doing The Rules.

The most valuable gift a man can give you is his consistent focus and attention over time. Going slowly, delaying physical intimacy, and engaging your mind as well as your heart, will help you assess his character and values — before you sleep with him and possibly get tangled up in a non-relationship

READ NEXT: THIRD-DATE SEX IS WAY TOO SOON (SCIENCE SAYS)

READ FIRST: WHY YOU FALL FOR THE WRONG GUYS (PART 1)

Robyn Wahlgast is a Rules Certified Dating and Relationship Coach for Women. Learn how to rock The Rules for lasting love and marriage. Never miss a new blog post: subscribe to our FREE newsletter

An earlier version of this article, How Romantic Chemistry Can Fool Us, was published by the beautiful people at The Wellness Universe.

DON'T PLAY THE "GIMME FIRST" GAME IN YOUR RELATIONSHIPS

“To bring anything into your life,
imagine that it’s already there.” 

–Richard Bach

Here’s a destructive relationship cycle that many women have experienced—and it can occur whether you’ve been married to a man for decades or are on your very first date:

1. You feel like your guy isn’t giving you enough of something (his time, his attention, his affection, etc.)

2. As a result, your inner glow starts to dim. Instead of being warm and enticing, you send out signals that he is failing, big-time. That’s the kind of message men are hyper-sensitive to. (In fact, some men learn to simply expect that response from a woman and then tune it out because they assume they’ll never win.)

3. Now he feels even less motivated to figure out what would please you. So he withdraws further.

4. You feel even less understood and supported. You may even decide to “clear the air” and initiate a talk about all the ways in which he is disappointing you. (Does a high-pressure talk ever produce good, long-term results?) The negative spiral continues….

I call this the “Gimme First” cycle because you are waiting for him to give to you first before you give back to him (affection, affirmation—whatever it is). While I advocate letting a man lead the pace of a relationship—allowing him to initiate each new level of intimacy—he has to feel that he has plenty of “wins” along the way. Otherwise, he may simply dig in his heels, and no amount of pushing will get him to move forward.

How do you break out of this damaging cycle?

First: Don’t give him all that power. You are allowing his behavior to dim your sparkle and while that’s not good for him, it’s really not good for you.

Second: Switch on your abundance mindset. In practical terms, act “as if” your man is already giving you what you need.

I know, I know. It sounds like I’m suggesting that you let him off the hook and forget about your own needs.

Actually, nothing could be further from the truth. But you’re not going to get your needs met if your only strategy is “Gimme First.”

Next time you find yourself in a scenario where you are feeling unappreciated or unloved by your guy, practice acting “as if” you were really connected. Go into another room, if you need to, and imagine that you are getting what you need—enough—from him. Would you be feeling warm and cozy? Would you feel satisfied and relaxed and confident in his love? Allow yourself to experience the sensation of being loved and taken care of by him. Take that feeling with you, when you return to him.

Fortunately for all of us, positive energy is just as infectious as negative energy. When you come back to him—mentally and physically—he will feel the change in your attitude. Don’t rush into anything. Don’t have a talk or feel you must take action right away. Just let the good vibes percolate.

Once you’ve created an atmosphere of good will, I’d like you to also assume good intentions (they go hand in hand). If you’re in a committed relationship, assume that if he loves you he will ultimately want to figure out how to please you; talking about it may not be necessary to get the result you want. If you’re in a dating situation, and just beginning to know each other, having the ability to hit the reset button by acting “as if” will keep you from getting stuck.

Feel free to use this strategy in non-romantic relationships as well, such as at work or with family members. In a normal, emotionally healthy environment, acting “as if” can be a great way to take back control and set yourself and those around you on a more positive path.

READ NEXT: UNDERSTANDING MEN—WHY HE CHOOSES SILENCE

Robyn Wahlgast is a Rules Certified Dating and Relationship Coach for Women. Need advice about your own dating situation? Consider booking a private consultation with Robyn. Never miss a new blog post: subscribe to our FREE newsletter

THIS ARTICLE WAS ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED @THE WELLNESS UNIVERSE.