WHY YOU FALL FOR THE WRONG GUYS (PART 2)

HOW ROMANTIC CHEMISTRY CAN FOOL US. READ PART 1 HERE.

There is a man on your mind.

You work with him, or you see him at church, or he is your neighbor. When you stop to chat, it’s obvious that the two of you enjoy mutual chemistry. But for some reason, he never takes things further. You wish he would ask for your number or suggest getting coffee, but he hasn’t yet.

So what should you do? You know better than to step up and ask him out yourselfBut it's hard to wait and do nothing, while a potentially great opportunity for romance passes you by.

READ FIRST:  WHY YOU FALL FOR THE WRONG GUYS (PART 1)

why you fall for the wrong guys

This is a frustrating scenario that many single women know well. You could probably have dinner with a couple of girlfriends and discuss all the possible angles of this situation for hours, decoding the secret meaning behind his “see you later” when you ran into him at the gym this morning. As any man will tell you, though, it’s really not that complicated.

His view: it’s really not that complicated.

FROM BCBG

Brain chemistry can fool us.

While feeling romantic sparks is a big deal to many women — signaling the beginning of a relationship, we hope — most men have a more practical take.

That rush of attraction is powerful in the moment, but men see it for what it is: sexual desire. It’s a mating signal. And not necessarily a mate-for-life signal, either, just a I'd-love-to-see-you-naked-sometime signal.

FROM DR. BRANDT

Men see "chemistry" for what it is: a mating signal.

When a woman says she feels chemistry with a man, she usually means that she feels an emotional connection as well. For her, that rush of adrenaline is all tangled up with feelings that resemble love.

Here are examples of how some of my female clients responded to the intense rush of the mating signal, getting into entanglements they later regretted:

  • “I know it’s wrong [to date a married man] but we have this incredible chemistry. Sometimes I don’t believe it can be completely wrong, otherwise, I wouldn’t feel this way.”
  • “He’s moved on and has a new girlfriend, but I did let him stay over last week. I hate that I let him treat me like this, but I haven’t met anyone else I feel this connection with.”
  • “I got tired of waiting so I just asked him if he had feelings for me. Now he avoids me in class. I’m in such pain. I know he feels what I feel. I don’t see why he’s playing this game.”

Women sometimes allow this intense rush of emotions to justify self-destructive decisions.

When we see a girlfriend spiraling out of control over a man, she almost always justifies her damaging behavior by saying that her connection to him “feels so intense.” She is putting her trust in feelings of intense sexual attraction, as if the intensity must automatically lead to true, lasting love. Logically, we understand that emotional connection takes time to build. Plus, it takes many months of shared experiences to really assess another person’s character and values.

FROM ASTRID & MIYU

But this friend is under the influence of dopamine and other chemicals in the brain that have triggered a mating instinct. In many ways, she is struggling with a very powerful addiction. If she says she doesn't feel strong enough to walk away... you can believe her.   

Men can enjoy the sensation of sexual chemistry without wanting to act on it.

Does her target (her man) feel the same way? Probably not. Men can feel the chemistry and enjoy it for what it is, in the here and now. A happily married man can have crush-like feelings around a co-worker without wanting to have an affair. A single man can feel chemistry with a woman who is much older or younger than he feels is appropriate to date, or who is simply isn’t his usual “type.” It’s fun and harmless and isn’t always a reaction we can control.

What we CAN control, however, is our response to romantic chemistry. And that leads us back to the original question: Should you pine over a man you have intense feelings for,  when he doesn't take a single step toward advancing your relationship? If you understand that men don’t necessarily experience “love” every time they feel that rush, you are better able to see the situation for what it is.

FROM E.L.F.

If he's not trying to move things forward it's because he doesn't want to.  #truth

Sure, he enjoys exchanging good vibes with you. It feels great. But if he saw you as The One, he’d let you know. He wouldn’t risk missing out on a good thing. If he’s not moving things forward, you have your answer: he doesn’t want to. And that understanding gives YOU the freedom to move on and find the man who does.

Just keep doing The Rules.

The most valuable gift a man can give you is his consistent focus and attention over time. Going slowly, delaying physical intimacy, and engaging your mind as well as your heart, will help you assess his character and values — before you sleep with him and possibly get tangled up in a non-relationship

READ NEXT: THIRD-DATE SEX IS WAY TOO SOON (SCIENCE SAYS)

READ FIRST: WHY YOU FALL FOR THE WRONG GUYS (PART 1)

Robyn Wahlgast is a Rules Certified Dating and Relationship Coach for Women. Learn how to rock The Rules for lasting love and marriage. Never miss a new blog post: subscribe to our FREE newsletter

An earlier version of this article, How Romantic Chemistry Can Fool Us, was published by the beautiful people at The Wellness Universe.

WHY YOU FALL FOR THE WRONG GUYS (PART 1)

"[Name withheld] and I have been dating for about 2 months. We have an incredible connection. When we met I felt like he's known me forever. We share crazy coincidences, things I normally wouldn't even say on a date. He said he saw a girl just like me once in a vision. I'm still just as into him but now he is different... It's been a week and I haven't even heard from him! There's no way he didn't feel what I feel, I could tell [the sex] meant something to him, he was so loving before."
— Nia (age 31)
"This guy, I can't really tell what's going on. He made me feel amazing from the beginning. He gave me a necklace for my birthday and he takes me to really nice places when he's in town. But it's not consistent. He is away on business and so busy. Still, he says I'm his girlfriend. How can I make him make me his priority? We only get together a few nights here and there. I want more of his time...."
— Sheryl (age 40)
Are you addicted to "instant connection"? Do you sometimes sleep with a man sooner than you planned, because you feel this special connection?   

Are you addicted to "instant connection"? Do you sometimes sleep with a man sooner than you planned, because you feel this special connection?  

FROM E.L.F.

I get a version of Nia's and Sheryl's messages almost every day. These ladies share a common affliction: they are addicted to the rush of "instant connection." A woman with this mindset believes that a first date should magically flow... like a romantic dream... and that her best match is always going to be the guy who instantly gets her. 

Women like Nia and Sheryl also believe that their Mr. Wonderful must share the same intensity of feelings. After all, he [fill in the blank]:

  • Bought her an expensive dinner
  • Gave her jewelry
  • Said that he had strong feelings for her

Are you addicted to the rush of Instant Connection?

Unfortunately, this type of thinking can leave a woman vulnerable to men who are experts at seduction, but not long-term commitment.

Love is an open door... but think long and hard before you walk through it.

Love is an open door... but think long and hard before you walk through it.

FROM ZALES

There's a reason it's called "chemistry" when 2 people feel a connection. 

In Part 2, we'll talk about chemicals in your brain that can be released on a first date, or during sex, that fool you into thinking that you and your new guy share something deep. But before we dig into that phenomenon, here is a pop quiz...

Which of these two first-date guys is clearly a Next! you should turn down for date #2:

David — Who talked so much during the date that you couldn’t get a word in edge-wise. You heard all about his job, his favorite sports team, and his recent vacation. You’re pretty sure that he learned nothing about you, and has no sense of your personality. You are disappointed that you didn’t get a chance to share this really crazy story your co-worker just texted you. If you're honest, you found him nice, but boring. 

Josh — Who asked you lots of questions, laughed at your jokes, and really worked to draw you out. You found yourself telling him all kinds of personal stories from your childhood that you rarely share with anyone. You really, really hope he asks you out again.

FROM BCBG

Awkward isn't always awful.

Based only on the information above, both David and Josh are still contenders. Here is one way to look at this common dating experience:

When a man is really attracted to you he gets nervous (David). Those nerves make some guys clam up, their minds go blank, and they can’t think of anything to say—then you have to carry the conversation until he regains composure. Other men, however, start talking a mile a minute to hide their nervousness. They feel this rush of adrenaline and they channel that energy in a socially-acceptable way — talking — which might hit you like a never-ending monologue. He may also feel pressure to entertain you and hold your interest; he is worried that you'll feel bored or lapse into awkward silence. A guy like David is in selling mode. 

Should you see him again? David probably talked a lot because he likes you, not because he's self-absorbed or a narcissist. If he asks you out again, it's reasonable to give him a second chance, even if you didn't feel sparks on the first date. Some truly interesting and fascinating men take a while to get to know. They grow on you over time. In today's "instant" culture, it can be easy to overlook a real gem of a guy.    

TIP: Some truly fascinating men take a while to get to know. In today's "instant" culture, it can be easy to overlook a real gem of a guy.

Now let's move on to Josh...

Of course he knows how to create a romantic first date... he's been on so many of them!

Of course he knows how to create a romantic first date... he's been on so many of them!

Focus less on "connection." Pay attention to follow-through and reliability.

When a man isn’t way into you, he isn’t nervous at all (Josh). He’s like, I’ve got this. He may enjoy the ego boost of being able to charm you and make you giggle. He may be attracted enough to suggest going out again and maybe getting you back to his place. But he doesn’t have stars in his eyes or fear in the pit of his stomach that he’s got to work to impress you. He’s not a panicked motor-mouth or scared speechless. 

Next steps: It's awesome when a date turns out to be fun and you feel a connection. But don't assume Josh is The One simply because the conversation flowed. Going forward, pay attention to his actions and make sure he's bringing some hustle and effort to his courtship, not just entertaining banter or chemistry that is exciting but doesn't lead anywhere.

TIP: Men who are really great at dating have often been on a LOT of first and second dates. That doesn't necessarily mean that he's your perfect match.
KNOMO LONDON BACKPACKS  #THISISMYOFFICE

KNOMO LONDON BACKPACKS #THISISMYOFFICE

"He's so confusing."

The haze of attraction can cause otherwise smart women to find "mixed messages" in a situation that is pretty straightforward. 

Look, some guys think they are being gentlemen by taking you out for a proper dinner before attempting to sleep with you. Or he may feel he owes it to you to act like a boyfriend when he's with a woman who provides him with regular sex. However, none of this behavior means that he is thinking beyond tonight. Don't let good vibes fool you into believing it's more than it is. Playing at being a boyfriend is not the same as actually being one.

When a man is positively, definitely into you, there is no confusion. 

FROM BEAUTY BRANDS

"But he's not the Player type."

A player is simply someone who lives in the moment. He has no intention of hurting you, and therefore believes he is not to blame if you do get hurt. He's not thinking through the consequences of his actions, and he's not concerned about how his behavior may affect you in the long-run. He may be careless and immature, but he's not evil.

TIP: Any man you date is "playing" if he's not interested in locking you down long-term.

Lots of men are accidental players.

If you want something serious, and he's giving you romantic feels... but not romantic actions... just brush aside the rainbows and unicorns, touch up your mascara, and move on. It doesn't mean he's not a nice guy. But he's not your Mr. Right.

Romantic sparks can fool you into thinking you have something deep with a man. Even if he's just playing.

If you sometimes break Rules or sleep with men sooner than you planned, then Part 2 of this article is for you. Did you ever feel sure you connected with a man, only to find out later that he was juggling other women too? And now he hits you up only when he's bored or lonely? 

When you understand how brain chemistry works, you can begin to take charge of your intense feelings of attraction. You can even train yourself to be a little skeptical of those early fireworks. Keep reading here.

READ NEXT:  WHY YOU FALL FOR THE WRONG GUYS (PART 2)

READ NEXT: THIRD-DATE SEX IS WAY TOO SOON (SCIENCE SAYS)

Robyn Wahlgast is a Rules Certified Dating and Relationship Coach for Women. Learn how to rock The Rules for lasting love and marriage. Never miss a new blog post: subscribe to our FREE newsletter