HE’S NOT FLIRTING… HE’S ACTUALLY PUTTING YOU DOWN

A handsome male co-worker sends you a suggestive picture with some jokey comment about oral sex. Your reaction is…

A: “Awesome! He thinks I’m hot.” You flirt back in your reply.

B: “Too bad…thought he had potential.” You delete the text and mentally move on. Mr. Handsome is obviously not trying to impress you or bring you his best game.

Back in my single days, we referred to ourselves as doormats when we let men walk all over us. Doormat behavior included:

  • Having sex right away (if we really preferred to wait instead);
  • Becoming part of some guy’s harem (if we preferred exclusivity); and
  • Going with the flow” when guys relentlessly pushed against our boundaries.
he's not flirting, he's actually putting you down

Being a doormat is accepting behavior that is unacceptable to you. You know in your heart when it’s happening. Most women recognize when guys are boundary-pushing in a disrespectful way. But there is one area that confuses many women, and that’s when men approach us with sexual or crude humor and flirtation. While some guys definitely do this in real life, you’re just as likely to encounter it on your phone, on dating sites, and pretty much everywhere in social media. Because some people refer to this behavior as “flirting” women aren’t always sure how to respond.

FROM E.L.F.

Here is the modern form of being a doormat: Allowing yourself to be a dumpster for sexually suggestive “flirting” and banter.

Sure, some guys on YouTube may imply that public groping and sexual references to body parts are the equivalent of flirting these days. Just normal dudes expressing interest. But seriously—NoThat’s not flirting, it’s dumping. When a guy makes references to his “meat” the only sane response from a woman with options—a High Value Woman like yourself—is silence. Cross him off your list and move on.

Why? Because guys say that stuff to impress other guys, not you. It’s a display of crudeness that many men (not all) find entertaining and harmless. But also, it is sometimes used to “put you in your place” as a woman. That’s right: the “sexy” comments that some women think are encouraging, or a stepping-stone to romance, may communicate something different to men. An obviously sexual come-on says: I refuse to put this girl on a pedestal—she is nothing special to me.

FROM BCBG

I was helping a single client with her Facebook page recently. Her male friends-of-friends kept posting raunchy, crude posters on her page. I advised her to change her settings to prevent their posting. I further suggested that the next time they text her “funny” pictures that contain the f-word or are mean-spirited or crude in any way, she should reply with “Please don’t send that stuff to me—I don’t like it.” Then make like a ghost and disappear.

My 26-year-old client couldn’t understand this advice at first. Weren’t these guys flirting with her when they sent her some meme about threesomes? Shouldn’t she be flattered by the “attention”? Doesn’t everyone drop the f-bomb in casual conversations these days? And, aren’t the most popular women on dating sites the ones who brag they have a “dirty mind” or “like it rough”?

Here’s the point: Guys who are willing to risk offending you with crude language don’t think you’re very special to start with. They aren’t overly concerned about your individual feelings and opinions. You’re just one of many of women they are approaching. They aren’t worried about the outcome.

FROM ZALES

TIP: If you aren’t sure how to respond to a guy’s sexually-charged text, consider this: Would he send the same message to Katy Perry, Selena Gomez, or Rihanna?

Probably he wouldn’t. He’d be on his best behavior with a woman he admires. He knows the difference. So is it flattering that he sent that message to YOU? The answer is “B”—it’s not. Ignore him and hold out for the man who really wants to talk to you, not just swagger in front of his friends. Sometimes that’s the very same guy, after he’s had a chance to sober up and clean up his game. If he’s truly interested in you, he’ll get the hint and try again later with a classier invitation.

ROBYN ORIGINALLY CREATED THIS ARTICLE, WITH LOVE, FOR MICHAEL FIORE'S DIGITAL ROMANCE

Robyn Wahlgast is a Rules Certified Dating and Relationship Coach for Women, and a happily married mother of three. Need advice about your own relationship? Consider booking a private consultation with Robyn. Never miss a new blog post: subscribe to our FREE newsletter.

3 ONLINE DATING PROFILE TIPS — GET MORE RESPONSES, BETTER DATES

Success in online dating is partly a numbers game. Only a small percentage of online exchanges will ever result in a first date.

And it’s only through that first date — an actual in-person encounter — that you will know if you and your match have chemistry.

To increase your odds of getting dates you need to attract lots of quality responses. By quality response I mean something more thoughtful than a “hey” and more respectful than an invitation to meet up at his place for “reiki massage training” (real example). Quality messages are more likely to lead to a first date because the men who send them are:

  • Truly Available and Single. Spoken-for men looking for fun on the side are more likely to send barely-there messages like winks and emojis, hoping you will fill in the blanks. Emotionally available men, by contrast, won’t risk making a weak first impression.

  • Looking for a Girlfriend as Opposed to a Hotline Bling. Sexual innuendo and racy flirting are signs that this cowboy is not interested in anything long-term. A savvy guy looking for more than a hookup will at least scan your profile and mention a few details from it.

  • Grown-Up Enough to Know How to Take Action and Make Things Happen.

So how do you create a profile that is more likely to generate lots of responses, including ones that lead to quality dates?

Tip #1: Stick to the Facts and Tone Down the Quirks

School, work, hobbies, interests—these are all fine topics to include in the descriptive part of your profile. But free yourself from the idea that by creating a quirky, unique ad that captures your loveable flaws, odd interests, and kooky sense of humor, you will automatically appeal to your soulmate. That approach only works in romantic comedies.

In real life, your dream guy—the one with the similarly goofy sense of humor and equally adorable personality—will pass right by your “unique” ad. He isn’t searching for “Kooky Girl With Weird Hobbies” —he is searching for “Pretty Woman Who Is Easy To Be With.” So be her. Because that relaxed, pretty woman is a real part of who you are, too. Let him appreciate your imperfections over time.Don’t allow your profile to get in the way of a real-life meeting.

Tip #2: Wear Your Hair Long, Regardless of Your Age

Your photo is the most important part of your profile. Men will overlook some nuttiness in the written description if they really like how you look. And we’ve already talked about dating success being a numbers game; more responses equals more chances of a quality match.

Having long hair is part of an overall strategy to maximize your appeal and reach more men. (As is removing your glasses, if you ordinarily wear them.) Look, I know you love your short, sassy hair. I understand why you dread the awkwardness of growing out a fashionable cut, or the expense and TLC that hair extensions require. But if there’s a simple way to appeal to a large segment of the male population, why wouldn’t you do it? Men respond to long hair. Let’s just embrace it and move on.

Tip #3: Smile—like You Mean It

We put a lot of energy into figuring out what our best assets are and highlighting them. Beautiful eyes or a curvy shape or a dancer’s long legs—most women know which physical assets to play up in a photograph. But surprisingly few women understand that one feature is more alluring than all the rest, and can instantly transform how men perceive you: a sparkling, happy expression.

Your smile is so sexy to men! I have reviewed profile pics that are serious, grumpy, bored, and depressed looking —selected because the woman liked “the way the necklace brings out the gold flecks in my eyes” or “the dress is coral and I’m a Summer” or “I love those earrings” (all real comments from actual clients). Trust me: guys don’t care if you’re a “Summer” or if your earrings match your outfit. Men want to date the desirable, happy woman — and it’s your smile that tells him that’s exactly who you are.

CLICK HERE FOR ROBYN'S FREE GUIDE TO ONLINE DATING FOR WOMEN, "HOW TO HAVE AN AWESOME FIRST DATE WITH AN ONLINE GUY".