BRINGING ROMANCE BACK IN OVER-40 DATING

The 40+ dating scene can feel pretty confusing at times. On the surface, adulting may look tame and business-like, but there’s a lot of pent-up energy under all the baggage of divorce, estrangement, and break-ups. Even if (most) single, mature women aren’t sashaying around like the singers from Fifth Harmony, it’s normal and healthy to want to “flex” for that Mr. Wonderful you’ve been on a few dates with. You want him to kiss you, put his hands in your hair, and just generally make you feel 22 again — even if you’re perfectly content to actually be 47.

So how do you turn up the heat in a way that feels age-appropriate?

 True glamour is ageless.  (Monica Bellucci, actress.)

True glamour is ageless. (Monica Bellucci, actress.)

Here are some tips for igniting romance when you’re starting fresh and playing for keeps:

TIP #1: Take it slow.

I know it has been way too long, you’ve never felt this way about a man before (seems like), and you’re longing to feel his arms around you. But be patient, girl. It’s no fun to be a man’s soft landing or rebound girl, after his heart was broken by The One and before he moves on to The Next One. Men respect you more and will find you more alluring when you have high standards.

TIP #2: Let him lead.

Just because you CAN make the first move doesn’t mean you should. As we age it can be easy for male and female energies to blur, either due to hormonal shifts or simply because we get used to living alone and compensating for a missing partner. Polarity is necessary to spark sexual attraction. While you may think you are doing nothing or “letting a great opportunity slip by,” it’s best to hold back and wait for him to move things forward if you want to progress beyond friendship.

TIP #3: Move on quickly if it’s not meant to be.

Don’t try to force a connection with a man who isn’t feeling it. He might say It’s not you, it’s him, and he’s not looking to start something serious. In man-speak, that translates into he’s not looking to start something serious. Don't be the woman who works hard to convince him otherwise, or who tries to earn his affection and attention. If he expresses any kind of hesitation, respect his honesty but don’t settle for a friends-with-benefits situation that will just leave you feeling empty.

TIP #4: Don’t forget to flirt.

Master flirts are so good at making men feel like men that they don’t even realize what they are doing. A great flirt wears feminine, form-fitting clothing, always smells wonderful, and lets her date order for her, open doors, and take the lead in conversational topics. Being ladylike, in general, is flirtatious. It telegraphs that you know your date is a man and you are behaving differently with him than you would with a pack of girlfriends. That is the essence of flirting — revealing your most feminine side with a member of the opposite sex. (For more tips on being light and breezy on dates even if you feel anything but read "How To Be An Unforgettable Flirt.")

Whatever you do, don’t buy into the idea that romance is dead and hook-up culture has replaced courtship. Just because singles now connect through apps like Hinge and Tinder doesn’t mean that our fundamental needs and desires have changed. Remember when guys used to honk their car horns at cute girls, an earlier form of swiping right? All that hope and excitement is still there. But now you are old enough to really savor it, taking it slow with someone who appreciates the chance to start something real — with you.

Robyn Wahlgast is a Rules Certified Dating and Relationship Coach for Women, and a happily married mother of three. Need advice about your own relationship? Consider booking a private consultation with Robyn. Never miss a new blog post: subscribe to our FREE newsletter.

ROBYN ORIGINALLY CREATED THIS ARTICLE, WITH LOVE, FOR THE WELLNESS UNIVERSE.

HE’S NOT FLIRTING… HE’S ACTUALLY PUTTING YOU DOWN

A handsome male co-worker sends you a suggestive picture with some jokey comment about oral sex. Your reaction is…

A: “Awesome! He thinks I’m hot.” You flirt back in your reply.

B: “Too bad…thought he had potential.” You delete the text and mentally move on. Mr. Handsome is obviously not trying to impress you or bring you his best game.

Back in my single days, we referred to ourselves as doormats when we let men walk all over us. Doormat behavior included:

  • Having sex right away (if we really preferred to wait instead);
  • Becoming part of some guy’s harem (if we preferred exclusivity); and
  • Going with the flow” when guys relentlessly pushed against our boundaries.
he's not flirting, he's actually putting you down

Being a doormat is accepting behavior that is unacceptable to you. You know in your heart when it’s happening. Most women recognize when guys are boundary-pushing in a disrespectful way. But there is one area that confuses many women, and that’s when men approach us with sexual or crude humor and flirtation. While some guys definitely do this in real life, you’re just as likely to encounter it on your phone, on dating sites, and pretty much everywhere in social media. Because some people refer to this behavior as “flirting” women aren’t always sure how to respond.

FROM E.L.F.

Here is the modern form of being a doormat: Allowing yourself to be a dumpster for sexually suggestive “flirting” and banter.

Sure, some guys on YouTube may imply that public groping and sexual references to body parts are the equivalent of flirting these days. Just normal dudes expressing interest. But seriously—NoThat’s not flirting, it’s dumping. When a guy makes references to his “meat” the only sane response from a woman with options—a High Value Woman like yourself—is silence. Cross him off your list and move on.

Why? Because guys say that stuff to impress other guys, not you. It’s a display of crudeness that many men (not all) find entertaining and harmless. But also, it is sometimes used to “put you in your place” as a woman. That’s right: the “sexy” comments that some women think are encouraging, or a stepping-stone to romance, may communicate something different to men. An obviously sexual come-on says: I refuse to put this girl on a pedestal—she is nothing special to me.

FROM BCBG

I was helping a single client with her Facebook page recently. Her male friends-of-friends kept posting raunchy, crude posters on her page. I advised her to change her settings to prevent their posting. I further suggested that the next time they text her “funny” pictures that contain the f-word or are mean-spirited or crude in any way, she should reply with “Please don’t send that stuff to me—I don’t like it.” Then make like a ghost and disappear.

My 26-year-old client couldn’t understand this advice at first. Weren’t these guys flirting with her when they sent her some meme about threesomes? Shouldn’t she be flattered by the “attention”? Doesn’t everyone drop the f-bomb in casual conversations these days? And, aren’t the most popular women on dating sites the ones who brag they have a “dirty mind” or “like it rough”?

Here’s the point: Guys who are willing to risk offending you with crude language don’t think you’re very special to start with. They aren’t overly concerned about your individual feelings and opinions. You’re just one of many of women they are approaching. They aren’t worried about the outcome.

FROM ZALES

TIP: If you aren’t sure how to respond to a guy’s sexually-charged text, consider this: Would he send the same message to Katy Perry, Selena Gomez, or Rihanna?

Probably he wouldn’t. He’d be on his best behavior with a woman he admires. He knows the difference. So is it flattering that he sent that message to YOU? The answer is “B”—it’s not. Ignore him and hold out for the man who really wants to talk to you, not just swagger in front of his friends. Sometimes that’s the very same guy, after he’s had a chance to sober up and clean up his game. If he’s truly interested in you, he’ll get the hint and try again later with a classier invitation.

ROBYN ORIGINALLY CREATED THIS ARTICLE, WITH LOVE, FOR MICHAEL FIORE'S DIGITAL ROMANCE

Robyn Wahlgast is a Rules Certified Dating and Relationship Coach for Women, and a happily married mother of three. Need advice about your own relationship? Consider booking a private consultation with Robyn. Never miss a new blog post: subscribe to our FREE newsletter.

CAN YOU MAKE SOMEONE FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU?

Can you make a man fall in love with you? The surprising answer is yes. . . sort of.

While we imagine the process of falling in love to be magical, mystical, and mostly out of our control, the fact is that there is actually a formula for triggering romantic feelings in another person.

Can-You-Make-Someone-Fall-in-Love-With-You-By-Robyn-Wahlgast-WUVIP.jpg

Some people are naturally seductive, and can’t help but spread a little amor wherever they go. We say those folks (male and female) have charisma or “it”—an instant appeal that transcends physical appearance, talents, wealth, and all other qualities you may think you need to find a quality mate. In fact, charm can be learned—you don’t need to be born with it, and you certainly don’t need to be extraordinarily blessed with beauty or wealth to create attraction in others. We can’t cover every nuance of creating instant attraction in this article, but the formula itself is simple:

Bypass your date’s rational mindset and trigger his romantic instinct.

  1. Bypass his rational brain. Seeking to impress others with your accomplishments, physical appearance, and smarts will trigger your date’s rational mindset and encourage him to assess and evaluate you logically—“Is she a 10 or a 2?”—throwing ice-cold water on more tender and protective feelings. When we activate a man’s rational brain, we unwittingly get in the way of his mating/bonding impulse.
  2. Trigger his impulsive/instinctive mindset. Create a mood that allows his instincts to take over. In an impulsive state, we don’t rationally evaluate someone’s amazing qualities and qualifications. (That comes later when we’re considering a committed relationship.) Both men and women delight in an attraction that “doesn’t make sense” or that we can’t quite explain—that instinctive pull toward someone we barely know.

So how can you trigger romantic instincts in a real-world situation, like a date? While it’s true that some basic level of physical attraction has to exist first (you are a man’s “type” for example), there are steps you can take to ensure that initial attraction leads to an emotional bond:

Practice the Art of Gentle Conversation 

Constant chatter and noisy activity are ways to avoid the potential awkwardness of silence. But all that buzz suppresses our natural instincts. The next time you have a conversation with someone—a friend, a coworker, anyone—try to observe the natural ebb and flow of your words. Do you frequently interrupt, fill space, or work doggedly to “get your point across”? Instead, practice engaging with people in a more gentle way—floating on the surface of the conversation is one way to visualize it—and let go of the need to direct everyone toward your opinions and views.  

Spread Peace 

When you settle into a friend’s sofa for a long chat and a cup of tea, you are naturally welcoming, open, and languorous. Your friend knows she can talk about anything with you, without judgement, and that she has your full attention. That’s the peaceful feeling you want to bring with you on dates. Put away your phone, remove your watch, and move slowly, as if you have all the time in the world (everyone knows you don’t). If this is a first meeting, then agree ahead of time to keep it appropriately brief—but that doesn’t mean you should act rushed, distracted, or like this date is yet another “task” in a long day of multitasking.   

Let Your Eyes Do The Talking

More than 20 years ago, social psychology researcher Arthur Aron demonstrated that sustained eye contact can produce feelings of love between total strangers. (Some of Dr. Aron’s study participants actually went on to marry their randomly-selected gazing partner.) That’s how powerful eye contact can be in creating a feeling of intense emotional connection. If you’re practicing “gentle” conversation and bringing a peaceful quality to your interactions with men, your eyes will naturally begin to speak for you. Be careful: aggressively seeking out a stranger’s eyes can be interpreted as a sexual invitation—a signal you may not have intended. But in conversation, returning a man’s gaze and holding sustained eye contact are wonderful ways to show respect, interest, and build rapport and connection.  

Robyn Wahlgast is a Rules Certified Dating and Relationship Coach for Women. Need advice about your own dating situation? Consider booking a private consultation with Robyn. Never miss a new blog post: subscribe to our FREE newsletter

ROBYN ORIGINALLY CREATED THIS ARTICLE, WITH LOVE, FOR THE WELLNESS UNIVERSE.