WHY YOU FALL FOR THE WRONG GUYS (PART 2)

HOW ROMANTIC CHEMISTRY CAN FOOL US. READ PART 1 HERE.

There is a man on your mind.

You work with him, or you see him at church, or he is your neighbor. When you stop to chat, it’s obvious that the two of you enjoy mutual chemistry. But for some reason, he never takes things further. You wish he would ask for your number or suggest getting coffee, but he hasn’t yet.

So what should you do? You know better than to step up and ask him out yourselfBut it's hard to wait and do nothing, while a potentially great opportunity for romance passes you by.

READ FIRST:  WHY YOU FALL FOR THE WRONG GUYS (PART 1)

why you fall for the wrong guys

This is a frustrating scenario that many single women know well. You could probably have dinner with a couple of girlfriends and discuss all the possible angles of this situation for hours, decoding the secret meaning behind his “see you later” when you ran into him at the gym this morning. As any man will tell you, though, it’s really not that complicated.

His view: it’s really not that complicated.

FROM BCBG

Brain chemistry can fool us.

While feeling romantic sparks is a big deal to many women — signaling the beginning of a relationship, we hope — most men have a more practical take.

That rush of attraction is powerful in the moment, but men see it for what it is: sexual desire. It’s a mating signal. And not necessarily a mate-for-life signal, either, just a I'd-love-to-see-you-naked-sometime signal.

FROM DR. BRANDT

Men see "chemistry" for what it is: a mating signal.

When a woman says she feels chemistry with a man, she usually means that she feels an emotional connection as well. For her, that rush of adrenaline is all tangled up with feelings that resemble love.

Here are examples of how some of my female clients responded to the intense rush of the mating signal, getting into entanglements they later regretted:

  • “I know it’s wrong [to date a married man] but we have this incredible chemistry. Sometimes I don’t believe it can be completely wrong, otherwise, I wouldn’t feel this way.”
  • “He’s moved on and has a new girlfriend, but I did let him stay over last week. I hate that I let him treat me like this, but I haven’t met anyone else I feel this connection with.”
  • “I got tired of waiting so I just asked him if he had feelings for me. Now he avoids me in class. I’m in such pain. I know he feels what I feel. I don’t see why he’s playing this game.”

Women sometimes allow this intense rush of emotions to justify self-destructive decisions.

When we see a girlfriend spiraling out of control over a man, she almost always justifies her damaging behavior by saying that her connection to him “feels so intense.” She is putting her trust in feelings of intense sexual attraction, as if the intensity must automatically lead to true, lasting love. Logically, we understand that emotional connection takes time to build. Plus, it takes many months of shared experiences to really assess another person’s character and values.

FROM ASTRID & MIYU

But this friend is under the influence of dopamine and other chemicals in the brain that have triggered a mating instinct. In many ways, she is struggling with a very powerful addiction. If she says she doesn't feel strong enough to walk away... you can believe her.   

Men can enjoy the sensation of sexual chemistry without wanting to act on it.

Does her target (her man) feel the same way? Probably not. Men can feel the chemistry and enjoy it for what it is, in the here and now. A happily married man can have crush-like feelings around a co-worker without wanting to have an affair. A single man can feel chemistry with a woman who is much older or younger than he feels is appropriate to date, or who is simply isn’t his usual “type.” It’s fun and harmless and isn’t always a reaction we can control.

What we CAN control, however, is our response to romantic chemistry. And that leads us back to the original question: Should you pine over a man you have intense feelings for,  when he doesn't take a single step toward advancing your relationship? If you understand that men don’t necessarily experience “love” every time they feel that rush, you are better able to see the situation for what it is.

FROM E.L.F.

If he's not trying to move things forward it's because he doesn't want to.  #truth

Sure, he enjoys exchanging good vibes with you. It feels great. But if he saw you as The One, he’d let you know. He wouldn’t risk missing out on a good thing. If he’s not moving things forward, you have your answer: he doesn’t want to. And that understanding gives YOU the freedom to move on and find the man who does.

Just keep doing The Rules.

The most valuable gift a man can give you is his consistent focus and attention over time. Going slowly, delaying physical intimacy, and engaging your mind as well as your heart, will help you assess his character and values — before you sleep with him and possibly get tangled up in a non-relationship

READ NEXT: THIRD-DATE SEX IS WAY TOO SOON (SCIENCE SAYS)

READ FIRST: WHY YOU FALL FOR THE WRONG GUYS (PART 1)

Robyn Wahlgast is a Rules Certified Dating and Relationship Coach for Women. Learn how to rock The Rules for lasting love and marriage. Never miss a new blog post: subscribe to our FREE newsletter

An earlier version of this article, How Romantic Chemistry Can Fool Us, was published by the beautiful people at The Wellness Universe.

LESS EFFORT, MORE LOVE

“I'm not sure what to do about this Tinder guy...”

“I’m not sure what to do with this Tinder guy. We met and I can tell he was attracted to me. I’m wondering if I should email him this article… You said I should wait until he texts first, but what if he doesn’t? He’s the first man I’ve met online that I actually want to see again.
— Annelise (age 51)
“[A male co-worker] always walks past my door at work, stops and jokes with me, totally obvious. Everyone says he likes me…. Do you know a way I can get him to make a move?”
Crystal (age 28)

Going after what you want is a necessary life skill.

If you’ve ever felt the sting of losing your dream house because you chose to play it safe during a bidding war, you know exactly what I mean. Missing out on a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity feels terrible. But knowing that you lost because you didn’t play the game aggressively enough? — that is a gnawing failure that most of us would do anything to keep from repeating.

Robyn Wahlgast Less effort more love

Have you ever felt the sting of losing, because you didn't pursue an opportunity aggressively enough?

So then, to compensate, we often adopt a strategy that can actually make matters worse: We over-correct. We think we missed out on the perfect (whatever) because we didn’t try hard enough.

So now… we are going to TRY. Very hard. Again and again. Until we win. At every opportunity.

FROM E.L.F.

At work or in school, or when attempting to master any new skill, trying harder can be a necessary and effective adjustment. But in romance, trying to earn your way into a man’s heart isn’t a healthy strategy. Believing that you lost out on the perfect love match because you didn’t go for it aggressively enough… well, it sounds logical. But male-female dynamics just don’t operate that way.

FROM ZALES

 Relax... You are enough, just as you are.  Photo:   Sylvia Haghjoo

Relax... You are enough, just as you are. Photo: Sylvia Haghjoo

Trying to earn your way into a man’s heart isn’t a healthy strategy.

Women tend to be happiest and most fulfilled in relationships where we feel unconditionally loved and accepted. Some use the word cherished to describe this feeling of being wholly appreciated. You know you are enough for him, that you don’t need to prove anything, and that he enjoys your very essence. He just feels better when you’re around, and he values you for it.

  Learn how to  rock The Rules your own way  for a lifetime of lasting love. #ReadRobyn

Learn how to rock The Rules your own way for a lifetime of lasting love. #ReadRobyn

Relationships work best when a woman feels “cherished“ — he appreciates your very essence.

Working to earn a man’s interest results in an unhealthy dynamic. Relationship “work” could include:

  • Contacting him too frequently. You fear that if you don't check in regularly — reminding him that you exist — he'll slip away and move on to someone new. 
  • Initiating dates. You believe that if you don't suggest going out, it will never happen. Don't let misguided co-workers and their online dating escapades fool you into thinking "everything is different" now. Romance still work best when you allow him the space to pursue you.
  • Telling yourself that you have a "relationship" when it is really just an entanglement. Does each "date" with him have to end in sex? Until, eventually, you aren't leaving his place at all? Regular sex + flowers on your birthday doesn't equal a relationship. If you're looking for lasting love, don't settle for a Friends With Benefits situationship.   
  • Doing material favors for him. When you're married, you're on the same team: it's a "we" game, and you support each other in winning. Until you're married, though, hold off on helping him live his life. Don't lend him money, watch his kids, or help him with his career. 

FROM BCBG

Is it him? Or is it you?

If you find yourself in a situation where you do feel the need to prove your worth to him — to win his attention and get him to focus on you — then you’re on a losing path for sure. Either he is taking advantage of you, or the problem is within you and your need to continually audition for his affection.

An emotionally mature man is uncomfortable in the receiver role, even if all he’s receiving is your focus on him. Many men can’t explain why this seems wrong, especially in the early stages of dating. He won’t give you a heads-up — he’s going to keep that uncomfortable feeling to himself. Instead, he may just conclude that he can’t trust you. That maybe you are being fake-nice, hiding something, or otherwise being manipulative. Perhaps you are overly interested in him because you want something from him…?

Logo
Zales

Of course, that’s not what you mean. You just want to ensure that a promising relationship blossoms.

But your effort does NOT spark romantic interest in men.

While you certainly can get more dates by asking for a man’s help, inviting him for coffee, sending all those texts and fascinating articles, offering to split the check, and coaxing along the process, the end result will not be the type of relationship you want.

#NeverGiveUp

If “working hard” has always worked for you in other areas of life, it may be a difficult habit to give up. And if you’ve never experienced the feeling of being cherished, you might believe that a man’s love is something you have to earn through your actions. That’s okay. Just be open-minded. Now is the perfect time to try something new….

Lots of Love,
Robyn

Robyn Wahlgast is a Rules Certified Dating and Relationship Coach for Women, and a happily married mother of three. Need advice about your own relationship? Consider booking a private consultation with Robyn. Never miss a new blog post: subscribe to our FREE newsletter.

A version of this article was previously published by the lovely people at The Wellness Universe.

BOYS BEHAVING BADLY (AND WHAT TO DO ABOUT IT)

Romantic situationships are a hot topic.

Many men and women believe that a non-committal, permanently casual situation is simply the modern version of a relationship — as if this is what passes for courtship in 2017. I’ve written about situationships before, using the term entanglement to describe a relationship that goes around and around in circles — for months or even years — but never leads to lasting commitment. That’s the kind of go-nowhere romance we’re talking about in this post.

 Strategic texting — rather than emotional investment — is what holds situationships together.  (From the web series  Situationships )

Strategic texting — rather than emotional investment — is what holds situationships together. (From the web series Situationships)

Popular music, movies, and TV shows glorify situationships and contribute to the idea that "everyone is doing it." But what if your values don't align with hookup culture? And is everyone really so happy with no-strings affection?

Today I want to share with you my latest guilty pleasure, the web series Situationships, featuring the nicest of Nice Girls, Melody (played by show creator, Cylla Senii). Just coming into her own as a woman, she is on the brink of being fed up with non-relationships . . . but not quite ready to make the hard changes necessary to move on to something real.

I suggested to Cylla that it's time I gave Melody and the other female Situationships characters some sisterly "Rules" advice (from the book The Rules by Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider). If these lovely ladies would just #DoTheRules and say no to the nonsense, they could take control of their dating lives and enjoy the lasting love they deserve.

 Melody in Episode 4: The agony of waiting and wondering about a man.

Melody in Episode 4: The agony of waiting and wondering about a man.

Here are quotes from Melody and her friends, on accepting less than they deserve from the men in their lives. When a girlfriend shares any of these thoughts, you know she is in a situationship rather than a relationship:

  • “We have really great chemistry. He loves me . . . when we’re together.”
  • “There’s no need for us to be formal, like, I’m your girlfriend and you’re my boyfriend. We’re . . . together.”
  • “I hate him so much.”
  • “He’s been ignoring my texts all day. I know he’s not dead because he’s on Instagram and Twitter.”
  • “I’m not going to fall for his b-s this time.”
  • “I don’t really trust guys. No one likes to commit anymore.”

It's hard to break away from the pack and set your own standards. Female friends and relatives don't always set the best example. And they can feel silently judged when you start living by The Rules. It's a lonely path, sometimes. But, ladies, if you are tired of living in limbo, wondering where he is and whether he really loves you, please know this:

There is another way.

Following are relationship tips for Melody and any woman who is tired of situationships . . . .

Ladies, don’t give away all your power.

Men will be lazy if women allow it. That doesn’t mean guys are all players and commitment-phobes, but just that it’s human nature to take if the other person is willing to give. You can control the give-and-take game. YOU can re-set the rules any time you want.

Some women think, But if I don’t give him what he wants, he will just move on to the next girl. Well, he might. Listen, you will eventually meet a great guy who shares your values. Mr. Right won’t treat the game of love like it’s one-sided — all about getting HIS needs met. Your Mr. Right will look at everything from a “we” perspective — he’ll see you as part of his team and he’ll make decisions around YOUR needs, too. Until then, don’t hand over all your power to a man who is gaming against you.

 When you've been "together" for 2 years and he does  what ?!

When you've been "together" for 2 years and he does what?!

Admit that some part of your in-love feeling is chemical addiction.

I know this isn’t a very romantic spin. But be aware that the “infatuation chemical” called dopamine can affect the brains of men and women very differently. When you daydream about your crush, the anticipation of being together produces lots of dopamine, which further increases your feeling of infatuation. When two people feel a connection, this buzz can be amplified through non-sexual contact such as locking eyes, touching hands, and even simple physical nearness. Make no mistake: This feeling is NOT love. Though pleasurable, it is NOT a foundation for anything lasting.

The reason I advise women to wait as long as possible before getting intimate with a man is because having sex can temporarily shut off your man's seemingly obsessive interest in you by shutting down his dopamine production. If he is not already emotionally bonded, then this sugar crash will leave him empty and ready to move on to someone new.

Tommy Hilfiger

No, casual isn't comfortable.

It’s okay to be uncomfortable about “hanging out” indefinitely. You should feel angry and indignant and hurt. Don’t say things like “I’m not looking for anything serious right now” or “but the sex is so hot” or “I can handle it.” Those opinions sound brave and empowered, but all you’re doing is allowing the Players to frame things their way.

Of course there are women who enjoy a no-strings adventure. But when a situationship goes on for weeks and months, it is very likely that YOU will become more attached, while he becomes a little more distant. When Steve Harvey advised ladies to “think like a man” he didn’t mean that we should stuff down our naturally feminine emotions and needs. Listen to your inner voice — she’ll never steer you wrong.

A Man’s View

You can’t change your relationship status by crying, nagging, or complaining about the one-sidedness. That’s because a man is generally okay with the situation as it is. As The Rules say, you need to shake things up with your actions. Author and Life Coach Sylvester McNutt III sums it up this way: “Why would I elevate this person to relationship status when I’m already receiving all the benefits that they’re willing to give?” He goes on to advise that if you’re currently in a situationship and dissatisfied, “maybe you need to consider removing those benefits.”

 The cast of   Situationships  . 

The cast of Situationships

What’s Next for Melody?

In Episode 5, when a gorgeous stranger (Tarion Taylor) bumps into Melody on the street and attempts to ask her out, her skeptical response is “Really. Are we doing this?” In that moment we know: Melody has what it takes to become a Rules Girl. But will she?

Before too much time passes, I would like to see Melody wearing something sparkly on her left hand. Marriage is a man’s ultimate expression of love and respect for a woman. Somewhere there is a king without a queen, and I KNOW he will snap Melody up quickly if he can find her. Is she tired enough of situationships and ready for the real thing?

Be sure to subscribe and comment at the Situationships Channel and let the writers know YOUR thoughts. Should somebody give Melody a copy of The Rules?

xoxo
Robyn

Robyn Wahlgast is a Rules Certified Dating and Relationship Coach for Women. Need advice about your own dating situation? Consider booking a private consultation with Robyn. Never miss a new blog post: subscribe to our FREE newsletter

NO, DON'T ASK FOR HIS HELP OR INVITE HIM FOR COFFEE

Last month we talked about the difference between a Relationship (which has the potential to progress toward commitment) and an Entanglement (a permanently “casual” situation that can only lead around and down, never forward).

Past the age of 25, most women view entanglements as a painful waste of time and prefer to avoid them. You want to invest in a future with a man who cherishes you, not just "hang out" with a man who doesn't think you're worth locking down. If that’s where you’re at, I’ve got 2 practical steps you can follow to avoid ever getting involved in an entanglement. In this post we’ll talk about Step #1:

Step #1: A beautiful, desirable woman — that’s you —should never approach a man first, whether in real life or online.

Why you should never approach a man first

This is advice that feels right to many women. Yet, we allow ourselves to get talked out of what we know, intuitively, is natural and feminine. Modern culture doesn't always value authentic femininity. It is popular for friends, family, and dating experts to encourage you to take the initiative with men because those folks only listen half-way to what you say you want: more men, more dates, more attractive options.

It’s true: Making the first move with guys will DEFINITELY get you more action than passively waiting. It will get you out of that dry spell and into the arms of... men who just aren’t that into you. That’s why “you’ve got nothing to lose” advice doesn’t satisfy your deepest needs. Because no matter how lonely you may feel today, you don’t just want “more” experiences—more unreturned texts, more non-date hangouts leading to sex—you want quality experiences. That’s what you mean when you say you are tired of being single. You want to be loved by a man who sees you as his Forever And Always goddess, not just a Good Enough For Now girl.

So let’s dig into some truths about cool women — like you — making the first move with men:

FROM BCBG

#TRUTH 1 — Yes, asking for help is an approach.

Any action that gets you and him talking or texting is initiating contact. Just recognize it for what it is. If he didn’t walk over, call, or text first, then you made the first move.

#TRUTH 2 — No, approaching men first doesn’t convey confidence.

Instead, it suggests you don’t believe you are WORTH approaching. You lack confidence in your desirability. It’s the equivalent of sending yourself a dozen roses on Valentine’s Day. As if you think passionate male attention is for other, more beautiful/perfect/skinny/whatever women. In the end, taking on the guy’s role can actually make you feel worse about yourself as a woman. Not very empowering.

Zales

#TRUTH 3 — Yes, certain men will enjoy it when you make things easy for them.

Men who aren’t truly available — married or otherwise taken — prefer to take a passive approach to finding fun on the side. Aggressive chasing is too risky for a cheater, and he feels less guilty if you are the one to initiate pursuit. Likewise, you may be successful with bored single men looking for a distraction, or lonely guys who appreciate your effort but who will never be starry-eyed over you.

#TRUTH 4 — No, you won’t miss out on legit, nice, shy guys if you stop pursuing men.

I think shy, awkward, nerdy men are totally hot — so much so that I married one. So believe me when I tell you that you never have to make the first move with a shy guy. Approaching a pretty woman is like a really hard math puzzle — smart men thrive on the challenge and keep trying until the problem is solved. If he wants you badly enough, even the most clueless dude will eventually figure out how to get you one-on-one.

#TRUTH 5 – Yes, you may end up going on fewer dates than your friends.

You know that co-worker who messages every cute guy she sees on POF? Maybe she enjoys the drama and anxiety of never knowing where she stands with those men—but probably she doesn’t. Maybe she’s just afraid that if she doesn’t make an effort she’ll “miss out” on some Prince Charming. Instead, value quality over quantity.

Look, sometimes you just have to be a rebel: stop doing what everyone else is doing. Well-meaning people think they are helping you when they say you should just "get closure" with that cute guy you've been crushing on for months. Instead, stick to The Rules of dating. Let men approach you first. This is the first and most important way to make sure you never, ever, find yourself wasting time with someone who doesn't truly value and appreciate all that you are. 

Robyn Wahlgast is a Rules Certified Dating and Relationship Coach for Women, and a happily married mother of three. Need advice about your own relationship? Consider booking a private consultation with Robyn. Never miss a new blog post: subscribe to our FREE newsletter.

ROBYN ORIGINALLY CREATED THIS ARTICLE, WITH LOVE, FOR MICHAEL FIORE'S DIGITAL ROMANCE

RELATIONSHIP OR "ENTANGLEMENT" — DO YOU KNOW THE DIFFERENCE?

This is a big-sister PSA for all the savvy and desirable women searching for advice on this site: The greatest relationship advice on the planet will NOT help you, if what you’re really in is an “entanglement.”

Don't settle for an Entanglement when what you want is a Relationship.

If you apply well-meaning, coming-from-a-happy-place type of advice to an entanglement, it will come back to bite you. Big time. Because you may end up giving more of yourself—your time, your love, your commitment—to a situation that is not ever going to improve. Not ever. In a relationship, both partners are equally committed to moving forward together; it’s an even exchange of energy. In an entanglement, one partner stands still while the other attempts to push and pull him toward the finish line; the energy is so unbalanced that it topples everything in its path.

What Is an Entanglement?

Just like it sounds, this is the experience of getting all tangled up with a man. You think about him all the time, to the point where you’ve lost focus on other important areas of your life. The sex is amazing, but you’re not exactly sure where you stand emotionally. Each time he leaves, you wonder when you’ll hear from him next. Maybe you’ve moved in together or are raising children together; even so, the uncertainty is there. He’s not exactly a bad boy—you think he could be “The One”—but you have a sneaking suspicion that he could be seeing other women behind your back.

You wish you could monitor his texts (his phone is always locked) and you do absolutely check out every new woman he friends on Facebook. You tell people you are in a relationship, and that you are committed to “making it work,” but the effort is yours alone. Your man appears to be content with things just as they are. Is he all tangled up with you? Probably not—an entanglement is mostly one-sided.

Tommy Hilfiger

Bottom line: An entanglement can last months or years, but it goes nowhere.Drama may give the illusion of movement—you fight, make up, and appear to move forward—but you’re really just going around in a circle.

What Is a Relationship?

When a man makes an emotional commitment to you, and clearly makes you a priority in his life, this is a relationship. Relationships are like a dance. Your partner carefully observes your wants and needs, and adjusts his moves to fit yours. You know he loves you because he considers your desires with every step he takes. Your opinions matter to him. He may not always agree with you or do exactly what you want—it would be unreasonable and unhealthy to expect him to—but you are always in his thoughts. His plans for the future include you, and he puts effort and action into making those plans real. Tap into your intuition: If you feel secure and protected with your guy, you are probably in a true relationship.

FROM BCBG

Bottom line: A relationship moves forward, toward commitment. Your man is certain that you make his life better and he can’t imagine a future without you in it.

Expert advice can’t help you fix an entanglement. If a man has decided that you are not his Forever Girl, you can’t love and “understand” him into changing his mind, no matter how good the sex is or how enmeshed your lives are. Your best bet is to recognize the situation for what it is and move on. There are wonderful single men out there who would be thrilled to wrap you in their arms and give you the safe and secure feeling you crave.

NEXT: Find out how to avoid getting into an entanglement in the first place…

ROBYN ORIGINALLY CREATED THIS ARTICLE, WITH LOVE, FOR MICHAEL FIORE'S DIGITAL ROMANCE.

Robyn Wahlgast is a Rules Certified Dating and Relationship Coach for Women, and a happily married mother of three. Need advice about your own relationship? Consider booking a private consultation with Robyn. Never miss a new blog post: subscribe to our FREE newsletter.

IN LOVE WITH A MARRIED MAN? 5 TRUTHS YOU NEED RIGHT NOW

“I know what you’re going to say, but my situation is different. He is truly my soulmate.” 
Megan (age 31), on being in love with a married man

In almost 15 years of coaching women, I have seen that the experience of falling in love with a married man cuts across almost all cultures, age groups, ethnicity, religions, and education levels. Despite the knowledge that this scenario is unethical, immoral, and guaranteed to bring pain to everyone involved, many otherwise smart, single women get their hearts tangled up this way.

in love with a married man

You already know this is a story that does not end well. But I’m not here to shame anyone. Maybe today you are only fantasizing about getting involved with an unavailable man, and this article is the universe’s way of warning you to stop, take a deep breath, and just walk away. Or maybe you did get involved and HE has been the one to pull back.

Experience tells me that at least one of these 5 truths applies to your situation. While it can be hard to get control of your emotions when you feel so connected to another person, you can control how you frame the situation for yourself. If you’re only willing to use a romantic “soulmate” frame, you’ll just stay stuck. So try these on and see if any fit. Pray, meditate, and do your best to be open to a new perspective, because…

This is YOUR chance to write yourself a happier ending.

TRUTH #1: There is nothing special about breaking up a marriage that is already broken.

It can be tempting to think you are more “special” than his wife; more beautiful, sexier, nicer—everything he says. But if he already had one foot out the door—and that’s the case for most men who actually end up leaving their wives—you are mainly this: the nearest exit. This man may end up remarrying, but hardly ever to the first woman who provides him with a convenient way out.

TRUTH #2: You will become "The Guy" in the relationship.

If you’re in the early stages of an affair, this part may be hard to believe. After all, he is chasing you hard, right? You weren’t even all that interested in him at first. That dynamic can’t last, though. You are available. He is not. He is the one who is hard to get. Eventually, you’ll feel less confident, less sure of his feelings, and you may start to feel like it’s you who is chasing him.

FROM BCBG

TRUTH #3: You are putting your life on hold for a fantasy.

Even if your infatuation never progresses to a physical affair, it can still be damaging. Don’t be the “work wife” who takes trips with her married boss or crushes on a married co-worker. You deserve to be at the center of someone’s life, not lurking around the edges.

TRUTH #4: It takes two people to create a bad marriage.

He played a role in his “bad” marriage and you’ll never really know the whole truth. If his wife is “crazy”, “possessive,” or “controlling,” it may be because he has a pattern of behaving improperly with female friends and co-workers. Or maybe he has other issues that are easy to hide from a mistress, but that would destroy your relationship, too, if your lives were truly intertwined.

TRUTH #5: He is O.K. with his life just the way it is.

Some men choose a wife who is like a domestic worker bee; she makes him look good by keeping his home life humming. He feels entitled to stray, usually with more exciting women who have zero kitchen skills. While his attitude is shady, understand that that is who he is. You will not change him. He likes his compartmentalized life. He doesn’t want to marry a sexy siren, and as long as his wife is doing her job (raising the kids and keeping a low profile) he will be content to share good times with you—but not much more.

ROBYN ORIGINALLY CREATED THIS ARTICLE, WITH LOVE, FOR MICHAEL FIORE'S DIGITAL ROMANCE.

Robyn Wahlgast is a Rules Certified Dating and Relationship Coach for Women, and a happily married mother of three. Need advice about your own relationship? Consider booking a private consultation with Robyn. Never miss a new blog post: subscribe to our FREE newsletter

FROM A BROKEN ENGAGEMENT TO HAPPILY EVER AFTER

#NeverGiveUp

Years ago, shortly after I turned 30, I became engaged on Valentine’s Day—to a man I ended up not marrying. There was a fancy diamond ring involved, and to be honest, I should have said no the minute my boyfriend proposed.

(A tiny voice in my head did say no.)

But I took a deep breath and answered yes for a variety of dumb reasons, including the fact that we had been dating for a year and a half, and marriage just seemed to be the train that we were on. His parents adored me, and we spent a lot of time with them as well as with his friends. We had attended several weddings together. How disappointing for everyone, if there was no happy ending for the two of us.

Getting engaged: It's not about the bling.

So there I was on Valentine’s Day, at Sign of the Dove, modeling a truly stunning ring. If you’ve had the experience of becoming engaged, you know that it can quickly intoxicate you—sometimes for the wrong reasons.

Every morning on the F train at least two or three people would glance at my left hand, smile, and congratulate me. I felt like I had passed beyond one of life’s many velvet ropes, into a VIP club. I did not want to give up my membership.

Becoming engaged can quickly intoxicate you. Sometimes for the wrong reasons.

FROM BEAUTY BRANDS

You probably noticed that in my intro I said only that his parents and friends liked me. So there’s your first red flag, because I can't say that my friends and family adored him. When I called my mom to tell her that my boyfriend and I were engaged, she said “Oh?” and was silent. Not the typical mom reaction. (She didn’t even tell my dad for weeks, because she knew he would not approve.)

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Zales

My friends were skeptical about my fiancé, but more tolerant than my parents; I think they just hoped for the best. And they loved that ring. The ring was what everyone rallied around: how beautiful, how big, how perfect the setting. Because of the ring, we could avoid talking about real things, like did I truly love my fiancé, and wasn’t he kind of a jerk. Blinded by bling—we all were, for sure.

FROM ZALES

In the following 6 months, though, everything fell apart. Why? Because I slowly had to admit to myself that I didn’t really like my fiancé, and would have felt trapped in a marriage with him. He was a lot older than I was, successful, and I had been a little in awe of him. But I started to see things more clearly: he treated me like a possession—an extension of himselfnot like a complete human being. He expected me to play a certain part, and if I didn’t he got angry.

FROM DR. BRANDT

As our fighting increased he, too, started to pull back. The wedding date kept moving further out. I was having difficulty concentrating at work, and felt physically ill much of the time. After months of pain and misery, I broke up with him—something I could have and should have done much earlier.

WAS IT A ‘RULES’ RELATIONSHIP?

Clients who know my story often ask, "But was this a Rules relationship?" And I have to say that even though my boyfriend pursued me, did all the work, and ultimately asked me to marry him, it definitely was not. The Rules are about seeing and admitting the truth of a situation—even when it is unpleasant and uncomfortable to do so. If you’d rather remain in a state of denial (as I did) that is not a Rules relationship, even if a wedding is on the horizon. Just getting married, "getting the ring," is never the point. 

Also, The Rules tell us not to let romantic relationships take over our lives or keep us from doing the things we love. But my engagement had a toxic effect on nearly all of my other relationships—including my parents and my closest friends. If I had continued on a path of denial, I would have become more isolated, and my life even more focused around this one man.  By contrast, healthy love enhances and opens up your world. Life gets bigger when you’re with the right person.  

Healthy relationships open up your world. Life gets bigger when you’re with the right person.  

Most importantly, The Rules show us how to create a healthy dynamic in dating that will then carry over into marriage. It's a foundation of mutual respect—something I didn't have with my ex. In a healthy relationship, you feel that you are enough, just as you are; your partner isn't going to reject you just because you've gained a little weight, lost your job, or become ill. When life gets tough, you know you have each others' backs. That is a Rules marriage.

FROM BCBG

If a man's love is conditional, and you feel it could be taken away at any moment that you "disappoint" him or are less than perfect, stop dating him. That is not the foundation for a healthy marriage.

My broken engagement led me to study something called the Diamond Life — an idea that can be found in many different cultures and religions. Living the Diamond Life means that you commit to balance in Mind, Body, Heart, and Spirit — the 4 points of a sparkling gem.

Tommy Hilfiger

With respect to love and relationships, this means that you can't just "follow your heart," as most Hollywood movies suggest. Even if you are a free spirit, you honor yourself by engaging your mind as well. You love with clarity and balance.  

Easier said than done, right? One reason I recommend that women do The Rules and commit to them, is that Rules behaviors make it easy for you live a balanced, healthy life. Your heart (and body) might tell you to drop everything and spend every moment with your new crush, but The Rules prevent you from doing so. You remain active with your interests and activities, your career, and your friends and family. You wait to have sex until you are sure that yours is a healthy dynamic, and your man has given you clear signs that he loves you. 

When a Rules woman is uncertain about a man's feelings for her, she puts her heart on pause and waits for a clear signal from him. Over time, with daily practice, you can actually train your heart to respond only to men who make you feel safe and sound, and to instinctively reject a hot-and-cold, emotional roller-coaster.

FROM E.L.F.

Over time, you can train your heart to respond only to men who make you feel safe and sound, and to reject a hot-and-cold, emotional roller-coaster. 

The benefits are particularly valuable once you've met your wonderful Mr. Right. By exercising this self-restraint and not losing yourself in love, you will give your man space and become even more precious to him as a result. He knows you had a life before you met him, and he respects you for continuing to maintain other priorities. You are the cool girl he feels lucky to be dating. 

When you love with clarity and balance, you become even more precious to your guy. He truly respects and cherishes you.
  Moving on after a broken engagement...  In a healthy relationship, you know you are enough for him, you don’t need to prove anything, and he loves your very essence. 

Moving on after a broken engagement... In a healthy relationship, you know you are enough for him, you don’t need to prove anything, and he loves your very essence. 

Never give up.

It sounds silly now, but I truly thought this broken engagement was my last chance at love and marriage. Over the next 5 years, I went through the driest of dry spells. I met men through online dating, but hardly any were my idea of Mr. Right. I tried a matchmaking group, and singles events. I was doing The Rules, but it just wasn’t my time yet.

I also worked on re-balancing my life. Before I dated my ex, I had regularly attended a Bible study group; I started going again. I decided it was time to reconnect with the people who truly mattered to me. I got busy with activities that were good for my soul, my body, and my mind, and resolved never again to silence my inner voice.

 Glengorm Castle, Scotland

Glengorm Castle, Scotland

Then, at 36, I met my now-husband. And his proposal was truly a gift from the heart. He knew that Scotland is my favorite place on earth. After we’d been dating a year, he surprised me with a mystery trip to Glengorm Castle on the Isle of Mull, where he got down on one knee, in the rain, surrounded by Highland cattle. (He had already told my parents about his planbecause he loved and respected them— and they were fully on board.) The diamond my husband gave me that day, and that I've worn ever since for the last 15 years, is precious. But mostly because it reflects back a beautiful experience and a shared memory that we both treasure. 

Wishing you lots of love,
Robyn

Robyn Wahlgast is a Rules Certified Dating and Relationship Coach for Women. If you're online dating (or thinking about it) read How To Have An Awesome First Date With An Online Guy for road-tested tips and advice. Never miss a new blog post: subscribe to our FREE newsletter.